


Gentle Touch

by WinterReadingerDixon67



Series: Marvel OneShots [31]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky needs a hug, Bucky's POV, F/M, Flashbacks, Flirting, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Force Bondage, Forehead Kisses, Gang Rape, Gen, Heavy Angst, I just want to hold him, Language, M/M, Mention of abuse, Non-Consensual Bondage, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Past Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Abuse, Physical Abuse, Poor Bucky Barnes, Rape Recovery, Rumlow and Pierce are assholes and deserve to die, Touch-Starved, bad flashback, character injury, major feels, please read warnings, sexual harassment slurs, touch deprived
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-17
Updated: 2018-07-30
Packaged: 2018-10-20 03:12:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 28,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10653711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WinterReadingerDixon67/pseuds/WinterReadingerDixon67
Summary: Where Bucky is so used to harsh, rough touches he never expected one to be so kind and loving. Realizing he’s been craving this kind of touch for years.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thesuperwholock394](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesuperwholock394/gifts), [LadyGoodwin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyGoodwin/gifts), [isaxhorror](https://archiveofourown.org/users/isaxhorror/gifts), [Sajean13](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sajean13/gifts).



> For those who are craving more Bucky feels and ones who wanted more of this series....and I am so sorry for the feels.

 

 

* * *

 

Touch, it’s amazing how much can be said and shown through the power of touch. But it can be hard to forget how much pain, anger, and torment can be expressed by the power of touch. No touch for me was ever gentle. There was no love, compassion or care in the physical touches I experienced throughout my lifetime. Not once has anyone touched me unless pain followed, which it always did.

When I was brought into the Avengers Compound for the first time I steered away from any form of physical contact. Of course, it was practically impossible since that’s all they wanted to do. Put me through a series of tests, poke and prod me. Take my blood, look into my head even though they knew the trigger words had been deleted. But their touch, I fought against anyone who dared to lay a hand on me.

Touch brought pain and there was no way in hell I wanted to experience that form of pain again. I don’t care if it makes them hate me more, at least that would ease the pain.

“Bucky for heaven’s sake stay still alright? They’re trying to help you!” Steve was holding my arms to my sides as the doctors tried to stick me with something.

“Get the fuck off me, Steve! Let me go, get off!” I struggled against him, but he seemed to have gained extra strength because he held fast.

“Not until you calm down!” I growled at him, wanting nothing to do but run out of the room and away from all forms of contact. But there was nowhere for me to go and nothing for me to get out of this hell hole I was trapped in.

“Steve, what the hell is going on?!” A new voice came into the room, her voice sounded kind but I could care less. I was more focused on getting Steve to stop touching me.

“They’re trying to give him an anxiety dose because he’s running on barely anything, but he won’t let them come near him. Says he doesn’t want anyone touching him.” I tried to read her face, see what she was thinking, but the fucking physical contact was the only thing I could think of. How Hydra used to hold me down as they beat me to a pulp when I trained. How Pierce would slap me when a mission went bad or the times where…..the times where everything else hurt.

It felt as if the room was spinning out of control, the air growing thick. I couldn’t breathe, lungs collapsing from the lack of oxygen. I needed to get out of here, I really needed Steve to let me go. He didn’t understand, he never understood, I don’t even think he’d ever understand the pain I had to endure. And how much just him touching me right now is making it even worse.

“Jules, I don’t think that’s a very good idea.” I barely managed to make out what he said, but Jules, that sounded like a nice name. If I could just have the mental capacity to actually make out the face of the name.

“Got any better idea’s, Star-Spangled Banner? If not, then shut the fuck up.” If I wasn’t so focused on trying to actually breath I would’ve laughed at her comment. Before I knew what was happening, I felt a pair of soft but strong hands hold my face in place. And it felt as if the world all of a sudden stopped spinning.

“Bucky, I need you to calm down, alright? Breath with me, just focus on me and breath.” How can this be happening? Why is her touch different from everyone else’s? And why the fuck am I being so calm about it?

I could slowly see a smile make its way onto her face as the fog cleared. Her green eyes shone brightly against the lights. Her dark hair looked like silk falling off her head. She was watching me intently, making sure my breaths would match her own. Her thumbs grazed my cheekbones as I stilled in Steve’s grip, my focus now completely on her and her touch alone. Jules smiled at me when I began to breathe evenly again, even when I leaned into her touch. I let out a sigh and hunched over not wanting this feeling of comfort to ever leave.

“There we go, just continue to breathe with me, alright? I’m going to remove my hands -” No she can’t do that, not now, not ever.

“No! No, you can’t, don’t, please don’t. Please.” I begged her, I’d do anything to keep feeling her gentle touch. I don’t want it taken away from me.

“I’m going to remove my hands  _ and _ hug you, I’m not going anywhere.” I felt her touch slip away and waited for the inevitable, for the pain that always followed. But it never came. Instead, I felt a pair of arms wrap around me, pulling me from Steve’s and into a different kind of embrace. It was….kind. Gentle even. The pain never came, but instead, comfort, care, and everything else I so desperately wanted took its place. Not sure if this was a dream and wanting to savor this feeling of contact, I gave in. I gave in hard.

I pulled her in, my arms wrapping around her like a vice, afraid she was going to leave. How her gentle touch was going to leave me. She didn’t seem to mind it though, because she just held me tighter, telling me she understood. And I couldn’t have been more grateful. Burying my face into her neck, I soaked in as much as I could. I no longer cared who was watching my every move, this has been the most gentle anyone’s ever been to me in years. So I let it all go. Calm words were spoken to me, tender hands combing my hair back, drying the tears I had no idea were falling.

“Jules, do you know what’s wrong with him?” I tried to clasp onto this perfect bubble we created, but I knew I had to come back to reality sooner or later.

“It’s okay Bucky, I can tell him. Would that be alright with you?” Not trusting my voice, I gave her a curt nod.

“Just keep breathing with me, everything will be alright,” I don’t know why she was putting up with me like this, she probably had better things to do than comfort me and see me weak. 

“Steve, if my observations are correct, Bucky is touch-deprived. It’s been several decades since he’s had this form of physical contact. Touch that is not painful or followed by pain, am I correct?”

I nod once again, taking the risk of resting my forehead on hers. “Y-Yes, they just….they just hurt me. I d-didn’t know...I don’t...I don’t…” Jules held my face firmly, locking her eyes on mine.

“James Buchanan Barnes, don’t you dare blame this on yourself. It. Is. Not. Your. Fault.” Her green eyes grew soft but held their authority. “What they’ve done to you, how they hurt you…” she took a deep breath, “they’re not going to hurt you again. But, I’m going to help you in every single way I can. You’re going to be just fine.” With a small smile, she placed a kiss on my temple before telling Steve to help me to my room so I could rest. Saying I’ve had enough action and physical contact for the day and she’d contact me when she made up a schedule for us to begin my therapy.

 


	2. The Room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky tells Jules the reasons why he hates being touched and how much it haunts him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ WARNINGS! I cannot stress enough, PLEASE read the warnings, there’s gonna be a lot of dark stuff in this part. Do NOT read this if the warnings are triggers for you!
> 
> For thesuperwholock, LadyGoodwin, Sany, isaxhorror, and Sajean13 who wanted another part. I have made a second part!! Thank you for wanting more of this story, please don’t hate me for this part! I have about 3 other parts following this one. This is all from Bucky’s POV. This part was hard to write, but I didn’t want to shorten this up, so the next few parts will be longer. It’ll get happier soon, but for now, this part is dark.

 

* * *

 

Steve was smart enough to not touch me when he brought me back to my room, even telling JARVIS to give me privacy for the following day. Giving me plenty of time to rest.

I was surprised at just how tired I was after the physical encounter I had with Steve, Jules, and everybody. I was exhausted. As soon as my head hit the pillow, I was out like a light. Only waking up later the next day sometime in the afternoon. I’m not entirely sure, JARVIS had to wake me up.

“Mr. Barnes, you have your first therapy meeting with Miss Jules in an hour. I believe now would be a good time to wake up.” I groaned out a mumbled thanks, dragging myself off my bed and towards the bathroom, anxious to take a shower. To wash away the feeling of rough hands on my skin. I shuddered at the invisible touches.

After a scorching hot shower, I got dressed in dark jeans and my red Henley, tying my hair back so it was out of my face. After lacing up my boots, I headed over to the elevator.

“Jules’ floor please, JARVIS.”

“Right away, sir.” The lift hummed as it moved downwards towards the floor where her office was located. I silently prayed no one else called the lift because that meant they’d be coming in here. And that was something I didn’t want. I began to feel the walls close in around me, strong hands hurting me. The pain was there, but there wasn’t anything there. But it still was.

“Sir, I would recommend you take a few deep breaths, your heart is beginning to spike.” I held onto the bar on the wall, taking a few deep breaths. Willing for my heart to calm down. The doors slid open and stayed open until I was able to get my breath back. I sensed someone else nearby, but I couldn’t move.

“Bucky, breath, it’s alright.” I tensed as Jules spoke. I knew she wasn’t going to hurt me, but right now I was vulnerable and unable to focus. And I needed to be able to focus if I wanted to defend myself. She seemed to sense it though, she always seemed to. “Bucky, I’m not going to touch you. I’ll stay right where I am. I’m currently twelve feet in front of the elevator and will stay here until you give me the okay.” I hadn’t even realized my eyes were squeezed shut, so it never even occurred to me as to where she was standing exactly. 

“Breath in for me slowly for five seconds,” I did, “now hold it for another five,” once again I did as she asked, “Okay, now release it slowly, five seconds again.” I released my breath, making it last for the five seconds. We repeated this for another four times, by the second time I was able to stand up straighter. The third round, I opened my eyes, locking them with Jules’ green eyes. By the time the fourth round ended, I felt my body relax, getting control of my body and walked out of the elevator.

“Thanks JARVIS for the lift.” Feeling bad for holding up the elevator.

“No worries, Mr. Barnes.” I nodded slowly, feeling a little bit better now. Remembering why I was actually here in the first place, I saw Jules standing there with a soft smile on her face, holding a Stark Tablet in her hands.

“Are you ready, Bucky? We can wait some more if you’d like.” She was sincere, speaking as if my little panic attack was nothing to worry about. I shake my head.

“No, I’m ready. Made it this far didn’t I?” I chuckle lightly. She chuckled with me, lifting the mood greatly.

“Well in that case, if you’d like to follow me to my office we can get started. But first, may I?” She pointed at my face, where a stray hair came undone. I nod slowly. Slowly, she lifted her hand, and gently brushed back the strand of hair. Making contact with my forehead, before pulling away slowly. “If that was too much physical contact for today, we won’t go further from there and just talk. If not, we can try smaller gestures. But that’s all up to you.”

Her touch still lingered on my skin, my mind jumped back to yesterday when she held me, how soft her skin was and when she kissed my temple. But how kind her touch was. The one I craved more of.

“No, no...I-I think I could manage a few more.”

“Okay, good. Right, let’s go get settled and get started.” Jules leads me down the hallway, which was littered with paintings of nature settings and quotes in frames. I expected her office to be more like those of other therapist offices. Leather chairs, bland walls, their doctorates proudly displayed on the walls and such.

But I wasn’t expecting this. She had big windows that led out to her...patio? She had a fucking patio outside where a fucking garden was happily soaking in the sun. There was even a bench out there too! The rest of the room was an off white, with furniture that looked like you could sink right into it when you sat down. Hardwood floors, a TV, and a fireplace. Definitely  _ not _ an office I’ve seen before. I took my time looking around the place, still surprised that it was still an  _ office. _

“This is your  _ office _ ?” I ask her, dumbfounded. Jules kicks off her shoes and sits down on the couch, crossing her legs, making herself at home in her own place.

“Yup, I believe an office, especially one used for any forms of therapy, should feel comfortable to be in, instead of an atmosphere that makes the client or patient uncomfortable. Make it feel more like home, rather than a Stark office.” I smile, imagining the look on Tony’s face when Jules told him how she wanted her office to look. That would’ve been a sight to see.

“Bet Tony had fun with this one.” Jules laughed.

“Oh, his face was priceless. Man does he like red and gold too much. But please, make yourself at home, these couches are to die for.” Knowing she wouldn’t judge me for it, I toed off my boots and sank down into the  _ extremely  _ soft cushions.

“ _ Fuck….. _ it should be considered a sin, sitting on this.” I groaned out, letting my body sink down, feeling my muscles relaxing completely.

“Well, if you want a pair of your own, I can give you the number of the business. Totally worth it.”

I hum in agreement, silently getting myself mentally prepared as to what we were going to be discussing during this first meeting or if we were even going to continue doing this afterward.

“Sorry to burst your bubble of happiness, but I believe we should begin. Would you like to start with the easy stuff and work our way up to the more difficult things? Or do difficult first and easy stuff last?”

“Hard first, easy last. Might as well get the hard stuff over with.” Sure, others might’ve wanted to talk about the easy things first, but I wanted, no, I  _ needed _ to get the hard things out of the way first.

“Okay, I must warn you, some of the questions will be difficult to answer, but we can go at your own pace. If it’s alright with you, may I record our conversation? Only I will know what goes on. I’ve instructed JARVIS to not record anything inside this room, video only.”

“Okay, okay, that’s fine” taking a deep breath, I look at Jules, hands folded on her lap, tablet off to the side. “I’m, I’m ready.”

“Alright. Bucky, you’ve told me yesterday that Hydra hurt you using physical contact as one of the more popular uses of punishment. Is that correct?” I nod my head shakily, remembering this was being recorded, I answered yes. “Could you tell me what they would do when they instigated this? You can share as much as you want, you don’t need to share everything if you don’t want to.”

The invisible hands came back, leaving deep bruises on my skin, only to have them heal rapidly due to the serum. But the marks kept coming, hurting more than the one before it. No matter how many times I would cry out, they never stopped. In fact, they enjoyed it immensely when I was in pain. “I failed a mission, the first one I’ve ever failed. That’s...that’s when it started. When he started to...to hurt me.”

“Who would hurt you, Bucky?”

“Alexander Pierce and Rumlow. Who do you want to hear about first? Because it all started one I first became their puppet and obviously continued on and off during the 70 years I’ll never get back.” I said back carelessly, trying to lighten up the mood, even though it obviously wasn’t going to.

“You decide.”

“Might as well start towards the beginning, at like the fifth year.” I took a calming breath before I started, “I was assigned to bring in this doctor for his research and kill his family. But I slipped up and ended up killing him as well. When I was brought in, Pierce was pissed. Punched me a few times until he had his full, then left me alone with Rumlow and three...three others.” My hands began to tremble, but I forced them not too. Forming them into tight fists to stop them from shaking. “They stripped me bare, leaving me in my boxers, chaining my wrists behind me, secured to the wall. They deactivated my arm so that it was completely useless. Then, then they took out cattle prongs, leather whips with barbs on the end.” I had to stop and breathe again. Fuck, this was going to be harder than I thought, but I knew I could keep going. I had to keep going.

“I don’t know how long I stood there, how many times my own body was ripped open and closed up again due to the quick healing. But that only spurred them on. The room became heavy with the smell of burning flesh, sweat, and my own blood. Hours later, Pierce came back in, pulled my head back and asked me if I understood what I did wrong. Not wanting to anger him further, I agreed. Then Rumlow unchained me and sat me on a chair, bound my hands to the arms, brushing my hair out of my face, telling me how good I was. His hands rough, leaving pain where they lingered. We stayed like that for who know how the fuck long, him giving me all this bullshitty praise. Trying to make me feel good, but it never fucking did. ‘Course none of that mattered anyway, because the next thing I knew, I was being dragged out and strapped into the chair and being wiped again. Then informed of what my next mission was. With no memory of what happened just hours prior. Everything that happened, gone. Like nothing ever happened.”

Jules stayed silent, letting me talk about the things I hated the most. She didn’t say anything, made no motion to move or object. Even though her face stayed the same, there was a fire burning in her eyes. I had to give her credit, she was doing a pretty good job so far of holding her anger in. I looked behind her, focusing on the various colors outside in her garden. How they mixed in with the green, which also made her eyes pop.

I shake my head, letting out a small laugh. “That was child’s play though. I would rather relive that every day, rather than what they’d do when I really screwed up.”

“What did they do, Bucky?” I looked away, hiding my face from her, “You don’t have to share if you’re not ready, I won’t force you.” I nod slowly, taking in her words. But they were quickly pushed aside by nightmares. A harsh shiver ran down my back, causing me to jerk, hands forming into fists again. Except for this time I curled in on myself, trying to push myself deeper into the couch cushions.

“I was training and they had pushed me past my normal limits, wanting to see how long I could go before I started to become exhausted, which, surprisingly took longer than I thought. I had already sent five guys to the infirmary with major injuries. Pretty sure, one of them died due to their injuries. But they were expendable, I wasn’t.” I stared at my hands, watching them twitch where they laid on my thighs.

“I was focused on my opponents that I hardly realized I had Rumlow in a choke hold, squeezing the life out of him. Apparently, he was ordering me to stand down, but I couldn’t hear him. All I could hear was this constant buzzing.

Next thing I knew, a cattle prod was on my back, having me fall to the floor trying not to scream out. Rumlow ordered me to be brought back into the room I was in before, the three goons he had with him dragged me there. Ordering everyone else to their previous posts. As soon as I was brought in, I was gagged and muzzled, so there was no possible way I could even think about making a sound.” My breath shook, the room suddenly grew very warm, I needed to keep going though. I was almost done, I had to finish, I just had to.

“Wouldn’t have mattered how much I screamed. I couldn’t do anything even if I wanted to. I had the trigger words in my head, so I’d be forced to comply either way. They, um, they...they stripped me bare this time. Forced me to my knees, did the same thing as before, bound my hands behind me, making sure my arm was unresponsive. I thought they were just going to put more marks on me, admire their handiwork, but...but that wasn’t the case,” I spare a glance at Jules, I had a strong feeling she knew where this was going and it scared me of how she was going to think of me afterwards, “this time.”

I push myself further into the couch, bringing my knees up to my chest to help keep me grounded, so I could continue. “Bucky, you don’t need -” I shook my head vigorously.

“No, no, I need to finish. If I don’t, I won’t ever be able to talk about it.” She nodded in understanding, letting me continue.

“Anyway, Rumlow forces my head back roughly, tells me that they’re going to teach me a lesson in a way I’d never forget. That’s when they all forced themselves on me. They grabbed me from all directions. One was putting marks on my neck, the other jacking me off roughly. Rumlow...he,” tears blurred my vision then, “he s-stretched me open dry. I knew I was bleeding, but I couldn’t do anything. He told me it was for my own good, that it was going to be a wonderful thing, how much fun they were going to have. But it wasn’t. It hurt, everything hurt. I knew I was already broken before, but now? Now I was unfixable.” Anger welled up inside me, hatred for the men who thought it was fun to take advantage of me in every aspect, every fucking way possible.

“They took their turns with me. Not caring how much it hurt me, both on the outside and inside. Eventually, they took my muzzle and gag off, wanting to hear me and fuck my mouth. I-I begged I begged them to stop. But they didn’t, they didn’t. Instead, they fucking laughed, they laughed and kept going. I was forced on the third guy, ordered to fuck him hard. I said no. I disobeyed a direct order. Rumlow was pissed, so he made sure I followed it. He landed a punch on my kidneys, taking the toothed whip and delivered a set to my back and one to my ass. So I obeyed, I had no choice. So I did. I fucked him, while one fucked my mouth, Rumlow fucking me from behind and the other filming the whole fucking thing, jacking off to the side.”

My shirt was soaked with my tears, my eyes hurt, and I couldn’t stop shaking. All I could remember was feeling their hands on me again. How much pain and hurt that came along with it.

“W-When they, when they...fuck!” I buried my head in my knees. “When they finally fucking finished, I couldn’t feel a damn thing. The only thing I could feel was pain, pain everywhere. Pierce came strolling in as the men finished dressing, Rumlow giving him the full report.” My voice was shaking, I felt bile rising up my throat as I told Jules everything. Why the fuck am I doing this again? How am I ever going to forget this shit?

“Pierce was happy with the result. Seeing his perfect fuck toy, super soldier, asset, fist of Hydra, sprawled out on the floor covered in the evidence of the men's success. He knelt down and gripped my chin harshly, of course, I met with no resistance, that certainly put a smile on his face.” I let out a laugh, practically forcing it out.

“He told me I had another mission and that Rumlow was going to get me ready. Asked me if I was going to be his good soldier and behave. I nodded, not saying a damn thing because I didn’t want to go through that again. I remember seeing his smile growing wider, pleased with the new progress. Rumlow then got me ready, told me he had fun fucking me. How much he wanted to do it again, how I was a good boy and behaved so nicely. It made me sick to my stomach, but I couldn’t do anything. They always had the upper hand over me. Didn’t really matter though, they still wiped me and made sure I still remembered what my punishments were.” I dragged the back of my hands over my eyes, drying the tears away, but fresh ones took their place.

“So I did what I was told. Became successful in what I did, killed whoever needed to be killed. Killed Tony’s parents, almost killed everyone on the fucking team. Hid away for two years, not letting anyone touch me. Not even letting them get into my personal space. If someone did, I’d freak out and go back to that room.” The room fell silent, I could tell Jules was trying her hardest not to cry, yell and scream out in anger. I could feel numerous emotions melt off of her. It was comforting in a way, knowing she was pissed off beyond belief. I nearly jumped when she spoke up again, in what seemed like hours.

“So, so when Steve grabbed you, it brought you back...”

“It brought me back to that exact moment. No chance to escape or avoid whatever came afterward.” From the corner of my eye, I saw Jules drag her hands over her face, huffing out roughly. Doing her own breathing technique to calm herself down from the anger that was obviously forcing itself up. I began to feel very,  _ very _ self-conscious. Everything was out in the open now. Sure, it was just the two of us who knew about this, even Steve didn’t fucking know. And there was no way in hell I was going to tell him what happened.

“C-Can, can we be done, please? I-I don’t want to talk about, about this anymore.” I said quietly, really wanting to go back to my room and lock myself away for a really long time.

“Yeah, yes, I think it would be good if we didn’t. But if you need anything, and I mean  _ anything, _ Bucky. Let me know.” She stopped me before I could say anything. “If you need to be left alone, not attend meetings, be taken off missions, or even for everyone to leave you the fuck alone, let me know. And I will believe me when I say it, I  _ will _ make sure that happens. But you need to  _ tell _ me if you do, I don’t want to force you to do anything. Because dammit!” Her voice grew loud, she wasn’t angry, no, no she was pissed. More than pissed.

“No one, not even you, should’ve gone through any of that shit! You didn’t deserve any of that!” Jules stopped before she could actually start screaming her head off. It took her a few minutes, but she calmed down enough to continue in a somewhat calm manner. “I highly recommend we continue with your therapy sessions, Bucky. But if you don’t, I completely understand. If you need to take the next few days, I would be more than okay with that. None of this will leave this room, it’ll only stay between us. JARVIS won’t even let anyone else know. This is all strictly confidential.”

“T-Thank you, Jules.” I get up slowly and put on my boots, anxious to be in the safety of my room again. I stand up and was about to leave, only to see Jules looking outside, with a hurt look in her eyes. Her face trying desperately not to express any emotion. She was in pain, not for herself, but for me. And it hurt.

Remembering how much it felt safe in her arms, how gentle her touch was, I made up my mind. Knowing that she wasn’t a threat, I walked up to her. Settling down on my knees in front of her and cupping her face softly. She looked at me with wide, tear-filled eyes. Shocked to see me initiating the contact first.

“May...may I hug you?”

“Of course Bucky, you can hug me anytime you want to. There’s no need to ask.” Her voice was shaky. Not saying anything else, I wrapped my arms around her, holding her tightly to me, resting my face against her neck. Forcing my body to relax, telling myself she was absolutely no threat to me. I choked back a sob when she wrapped her own arms around my shoulders, telling me everything was going to be alright and that she was here and not going anywhere.

The moment didn’t last long, however, when her office door burst open and three men in white lab coats came rushing in prepared to sedate me. I began to panic. I stood up abruptly, forcing myself to the furthest corner away from them as they made their way closer to me. One of the men headed towards Jules, who was now on her feet shouting in the man’s face. But all I could see was her mouth moving, I couldn’t hear anything. The buzzing in my ears grew louder and louder. Rough, pain filled hands were everywhere on me, but they weren’t there. I was back in that room again. Everything hurt, burns on my skin, my flesh being cut open, I couldn’t breathe.

I tried to force the men away from me, but I couldn’t move, I couldn’t breathe. Stars began to fill my vision. I tried to tell them to stop, but nothing came out. Nothing. I was helpless. I was helpless again. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t breathe!

Jules pushed past them, even punching the one with glasses, breaking his nose. She was then holding my face between her hands talking to me, her eyes filled with worry. I needed to breathe, I needed to, she was telling me to. But I couldn’t, my lungs wouldn’t allow me. Fresh tears formed into her eyes again, but it didn’t matter because the next thing I knew was the world turning black.

I just hoped I didn’t wake up in that room again. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prepare for pissed off/supportive/protective Jules in the next part!


	3. Don't Mess With Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky bounced back to his previous head space and Jules is pissed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I loved writing Jules in this part, defend Bucky at all costs!! So it’s in Jules POV, plus a hint of Steve’s secret love life...dun dun dun!

                            

I saw Bucky frantically shove himself into the furthest corner of my office as Dr. Roberts and two others came storming in.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?!” I yelled at Roberts as he came up to me, checking for injuries. I shoved his hands away, needing to get to Bucky as I noticed he was having a full blown panic attack. Trying to move away from the men’s grips.

“Dr. Carlson, thank heavens! Are you alright? You’re lucky he didn’t harm you.”

“Of fucking course I’m alright and no Bucky wouldn’t hurt me, you four-eyed buffoon! Now, step aside please.” I walked passed him, only to be stopped by his hand on my arm.

“I’m sorry, but I can’t allow that. The patient is unstable, he needs to be monitored and put under heavy surveillance.” I yanked my arm out of his grip, swinging at his face full force, breaking his glasses in two. I almost felt sorry for the man as I heard the crunch of his nose breaking when I punched him, but damn did it feel good.

“His name is James and he is  _ my _ patient. And the person who needs to be under surveillance is you and your puny head!” I wasted no more time on him, I needed to get to Bucky.

“If you want your fucking balls attached, then back off!” The two nurses scurried back as I crouched in front of Bucky. I gently took his hand in mine, “I’m here Bucky, I’m right here, but now you need to breathe, alright? Breath like we did earlier at the elevator….come on Bucky work with me here.” He just shook his head and began to rock back and forth, muttering under his breath when he wasn’t struggling to breathe. He was hyperventilating and fast.

“JARVIS, get Steve up here stat!” I looked over to where Dr. Roberts was getting up with the help of the nurses, blood already soaked onto his white lab coat. Glaring daggers at both me and Bucky.

“Director Fury will hear about this! That killer should be in a straight jacket and you should be stripped of your credentials!”

“Don’t mess with me Roberts and get the hell out of my office before I rip off your dick and shove it up your ass so hard it’ll come shooting out of your nose!” Steve and Tony came rushing in as I threatened him. Steve rushed over to me, where Bucky was now passed out, I quickly checked his pulse, it was high….too high. Not even a super soldier would survive this heart rate.

“What the hell happened?” Steve asked as he looked at me frantically. I turned around to Tony,

“Get that fucker out of my office or so help me I will throw him off my balcony myself!” I cut off all attention on that asshole and breathed deeply, putting my full focus back on Bucky.

“Help me get him on the stretcher Steve, we need to get him to Helen fast. We need to get his heart rate down before it fails.” Once he was on the stretcher, we rushed down to Helen, who was already informed by JARVIS of the situation. I updated her and told her to immediately contact me first when he woke up.

“Jules, what happened in there?” Steve asked, pulling me out into the hallway. Running my hands through my hair, I did my breathing exercises to calm down. No need to be yelling at Steve when nothing was his fault.

“Bucky had his first session with me today, which will stay confidential, even from you Steve,” there was a flash of hurt in his eyes, but right now I couldn’t care less, “it was going well. Remarkably well for a first session, considering he  _ offered _ to hug me first.”

“Really? He initiated it first?” Steve’s brows shot up, completely shocked. I just nodded.

“Yeah, so we ended, well we were about to end the session when that son of a bitch Roberts stormed into  _ my _ office like he owned the damn place, demanding that Bucky should be a confined patient labeled UNSTABLE THREAT in big red fucking letters! Who the hell does he think he is?!”

“Language.” I glared daggers at Steve.

“Oh fuck you, Steve. We all know you have the dirtiest mouth on the team, don’t you deny it.” The tips of his ears turned red as he looked away, rubbing the back of his neck.

“I guess the Brooklyn in me is coming out. I try not to.”

“Steve, believe me, no one cares that you have foul language. I think they’re more surprised of their virgin Captain America talking that way.” Steve shook his head looking at me.

“Well, I can tell you that the virgin part is not true. Why does everyone think that I’m a blushing virgin?” I cross my arms and stare at the man, suddenly curious about this new information.

“Really? Steve Rogers, the great Captain America has had sex? Pray tell.” My eyes widened as Steve’s face grew redder with embarrassment.

“Uh, well I definitely don’t need help in the girlfriend department, if that’s what you’re asking.” Girlfriend? Wait, now this is definitely news.

“Girlfriend? Steve, that’s...that’s awesome! Is it someone I know?” I leaned forward, anxious to find out who his lady friend is. But Steve was relentless, zipping his lips shut.

“Nope, can’t tell you that. I...I don’t think we’re ready for anyone to know quite yet.” I smiled at Steve.

“Well, I expect to hear details soon. You sly dog you, wait until Bucky finds out what you’ve been up too.” The mood drastically shifted when Bucky was brought up, bringing us back down to Earth and what we were actually here for. Helen stepped out of the room and closed the door softly behind her. Steve and I both walked up to her.

“How’s Bucky? Is he going to be okay?” Helen stopped Steve before he could continue.

“Right now he’s resting, sedated enough to bring his heart rate back down to normal. He’ll feel a slight discomfort when he wakes up because it did put a strain on his body. Now, I understand this was not purely done by accident?” I shook my head.

“No, he was in his first session with me and it was going well. He has a severe problem with any forms of physical contact, mainly touch. Then Dr. Roberts came in and fucked everything up.” Helen’s face dropped and not in a good way. From the look Steve gave me, he was confused as to what was going on.

“Dr. Roberts is...let’s just say he thinks when someone goes bad, they stay that way. As for Bucky’s case, he’s everything Roberts hates. Even if Bucky’s not his patient, he’ll do whatever he can to put men like him where they belong. In a straightjacket and locked away from the world.” Steve was about to speak up when JARVIS interrupted.

“Sorry to interrupt, but it seems that Director Fury has requested your presence in the conference room.” I knew Roberts wouldn’t waste any time in getting down to the dirty stuff.

“Thanks, J.” I run my hands across my face, groaning at the thought of having to deal with Roberts...again. “Time to face the music, thanks Helen for taking care of Bucky. Steve, you wanna come with? I might need some restraint when I’m up there.”

“After what I’ve just heard, I don’t think I’ll even hold you back.” A hint of his Captain America voice leaked through and by the face, he was making, it would make any SHIELD agent shiver in their shoes. Helen looked back at Bucky’s closed door.

“Go, I’ll make sure nothing happens. I’ll give JARVIS the files for Fury to see.”

“Thanks, Helen, let’s go Steve before I forget my own breathing exercises.” We headed up towards the conference room as I tried to keep my own head in check. I was damn good at my job and took it very seriously, especially when it came to my patients. They were there to seek and get help, not to be bombarded and trapped into being put into a padded room. It didn’t take us long to get there and Steve already looked like he was going to speak his mind. However, that would just make things worse, for him and for Bucky.

“Steve,” I stopped just before we walked in, “you need to let me handle this.” I stopped him before he could say anything. “I know. But he’s my patient and I’m his therapist. For you to take matters into your own hands, will give Roberts more power. Luckily for me, I can handle him and I know how to push his buttons.” I took a deep breath and squared my shoulders, ready to face the music.

Fury was at the head of the table, on his right sat Tony - thank God - with his lawyer? Huh, interesting and to his left, sat Dr. Roberts, along with the two nurses who were with him. Another man was sitting beside him, his own lawyer no doubt, good luck with that.

“Dr. Carlson, thanks for joining us. I think you already know Dr. Roberts,” I give Roberts the smuggest, yet professionalism smile I could muster.

“How’s the nose fairing you, Dr. Roberts? It looks a little crooked.” He glared at me behind his taped glasses as he thumbed the tip of the edge of his nose. I took a seat next to Tony’s lawyer, Steve sitting beside me as well.

“Now, it has come to my attention that there seems to be an issue with the form of Mr. Barnes therapy.” Fury sat down and began to look over some files, one’s from Helen and a few others. “I have spoken with Dr. Roberts about Mr. Barnes’ current condition and the safety of others who are currently residing in this building. He will be transferred to a more secure location under the supervision of Dr. Roberts.”

“Are you serious? Him?” I point to the bastard who was now smiling like he won a damn metal, “You can’t be serious Director, he’s just jealous because he wants to be the one to see Bucky be locked away.” Fury sat stone-faced, unmoving.

“ _ However _ , in regards to what Helen has sent me and a brief, but yet detailed account from JARVIS, Mr. Barnes will be staying here.” Roberts smile dropped and I noticed Tony grinning from ear to ear. Before I could ask what was going on, Tony’s lawyer slid a black folder towards me along with a very fancy black pen.

“‘ _Doctor_ _ Jules Carlson, _

_ Under careful consideration and a high recommendation from Stark Industries and Doctor Helen Cho, I Anthony Stark hereby place Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes under your permanent care as your patient. Until said patient decides otherwise. You will have full support and support in regards to Mr. James Barnes’ care. _

_ In regards to SHIELD, they will have no authority or claim over the patient, unless given permission from his therapist, Dr. Carlson herself. If no agreement is given, severe consequences will take place to the offending party. In no way shape or form will Mr. Barnes be handed to a different therapist. Any and all negative actions Br. Barnes displays both on and off Stark Industries property that is both harmful for him and for to others, will be dealt with heavily between both his therapist and the employer, Mr. Anthony Stark. Where consequences will be chosen. _

_ In regards to Doctor John Roberts, he will be removed from the Avengers Tower property and transferred to a different SHIELD sector. If he does not agree with the terms of the agreement, he will be released from his position permanently. After a thorough investigation, it has come to both Director Fury’s and my conclusion, Dr. Roberts’s actions were uncalled for and unsafe for the patient and his health. Therefore, he will be dealt with accordingly based off of his actions. _

_ Doctor Jules Carlson, will be released from her previous position and current SHIELD employer and placed under her new employer, Mr. Anthony Stark. Her new position will be the Avengers group therapist, but her main patient and priority will be on Mr. Barnes. She will be given full compensation for any damages that were caused. _

_ I, Anthony Stark have reviewed and agree with said terms and welcomes Doctor Jules Carlson to the Avengers Team family. If they agree with the agreement, please sign and date on the dotted line below. _

 

_ \- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - _

_ Anthony Stark & Avengers welcomes you’ “  _ I just sat there as I finished reading.

I couldn’t believe what I was reading. I had to reread it again carefully to make sure I wasn’t making any of this up. Not only was I being offered a much better job, but I was going to be working full time as the group therapist for the world’s mightiest heroes and given full reign of Bucky’s case. Which obviously meant more responsibilities for me, but it meant that the great Tony Stark was putting a great trust in me to take care of his best friends’ friend. I could not mess this up or I would be letting a lot of people down. I glanced around those around the table, Steve looked relieved, Tony stayed professional but sent Roberts a smug look. Roberts looked pissed off beyond belief, along with the two male nurses and his lawyer. Fury looked like...Fury.

“Are you out of goddamn minds?!” Roberts shouted, his chair falling over as he stood up. “She is reckless and her methods are futile. Her office is unprofessional and she flaunts herself to those who are desperately seeking attention and she will be more than happy to have them get into her pants.” He pointed at me with a disgusted look as if I was emitting an airborne contagion. “The patient is highly unstable and is a deadly threat to everyone’s safety and should be receiving shock therapy and not the therapy she’s been giving him. Clearly, it isn’t working!”

“Dr. Roberts-” Tony began to say, but Roberts yet again being the complete asshole he is, had to voice his complaints.

“This is no job for a woman, she should take care of the needs of men like she’s supposed to. They’re clearly too fragile-”

“Dr. Roberts shut the fuck up and sit the fuck down!” Roberts stared at Tony in shock, clearly not prepared for the man to yell at him. Roberts reluctantly sat down and did indeed shut up. I just sat back and watched the whole thing as it played out. It wasn’t the first time I’ve been told this. To be honest, I’ve gone through worse, been called worse, lived with worse. Steve leaned forward to check on me.

“Jules, you okay?”

“Yeah, told you I could handle him, Steve. I actually find this whole thing rather amusing. I’ve dealt with much worse, Roberts just going to get a blood clot if he doesn’t take a breath. Maybe he forgot his inhaler.” He slammed his hand against the table top.

“See?! Very unprofessional.” Tony leaned forward, glancing between Fury and Roberts.

“Dr. Roberts, can I call you Bob? I’m gonna call you Bob, of course, asshole seems like a more suitable name for you, but I’m trying to be on my best behavior. First of all, I will not have a man in my building or on my property nonetheless, insult a woman this way. Believe me, you don’t want that happening, ‘especially in front of Spangles over here.” Steve gave Roberts a cold glare. “Therefore, Jules is there anything you’d like to say?” Tony looked over to me, as did everyone else.

I looked at the document in front of me, I took the black pen signed and dated the dotted line and slid it back towards Tony’s lawyer. “Nope, thank you Mr. Stark for this wonderful opportunity. I can’t wait to work with you and the rest of the Avengers.” I turned to Steve, “I am grateful for your support in this also. I assure you, Bucky is in good hands.”

“Attention whore.” Roberts scoffed under his breath. That got the attention of Fury and Tony, they were about to step in, but I did before they could.

“Call me all you want Robert's, believe me, I heard it all.” I looked to Fury. “Am I allowed to go off the record here sir?” Fury nodded and sat back, clearly wanting to see how this went. I focused back on Roberts again.

“Yes, I was a whore, slut, skank and tried pretty much everything I could to get men into my pants. It was easy money, but what is a girl to do when their own pathetic excuse of a father disowns them and kicks them out of the house with just the clothes on their backs? So I did what I could to survive, made a friend who helped me get back on my feet. Got a job, made a living for myself, went to school, worked my ass off and here I am.

But I think the only person in this room who’s an ‘attention whore’ as you like to call it, is you. You’re probably compensating for something anyways if you’re so desperate to have someone jack you off so you can release some tension. Don’t worry though Roberts, the older you get the more difficult it is to ‘rise’ to the occasion. Good thing there’s pills for that type of thing. And Bucky is more of a man than you ever were or will be. You wouldn’t survive an hour of what he’s been through even if you tried. Now,” I looked between Fury and Tony, feeling lighter about the situation at Tony’s amused face, “this has been fun, but I really have to be going and check on my patient.” Fury stood up and shook my hand.

“Welcome to the family Dr. Carlson, the team are lucky to have you. Let me know if you have any further questions or concerns.” I nod in thanks, then turned to Tony shaking his hand as well.

“Gotta say Jules that was some stuff. Your own personal floor should be completed first thing tomorrow morning, ready for you to move in. While the floor where your office is located will be turned into your therapy floor fit for everyone’s needs and such. Bucky will be staying on the same floor as Steve, but we can talk more about that later. Welcome to the team, but please call me Tony.” I’m pretty sure you’d have to scrape my jaw off the floor. I didn’t think it was necessary for me to basically have two floors, but if that’s what Tony wanted, then I wasn’t going to complain.

“Thank you, Tony, I’m glad to be a part of the team.” I shook his lawyers offered hand and made my way towards the door, but looked at Roberts one last time, who was trying so hard to keep himself in check. “Oh and Dr. Roberts, I can give you a prescription to help you ‘lift’ up your issue if you’d like.” I left the conference room before he could fully react, but I knew he didn’t take it very well when I could hear Tony snorting just as the door closed.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments welcome!
> 
> Enjoy the nice, humid weather today!


	4. Square One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jules works with Bucky some more and Bucky learns more about Jules.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jules POV, Ok, so this timeline will be broken up into fragments, showing Bucky’s improvements and his growing relationship, connection with Jules. Eventually the team will find out the truth, so hopefully there’s no confusion.
> 
> I finally was able to write updates and stuff, so I'll try to post most of them today! Don't worry, I haven't forgotten about you guys! :)

                                              

I headed back down to check up on Bucky, still fuming from the incident that happened previously. None of that shouldn’t have happened, none of it. He shouldn’t have gone through what Rumlow put him through either, no one should.

Helen was sitting outside of his room going through files and writing reports. I sat down next to her and slouched in the seat, letting out a huge sigh. “How’s he been? His heart doing okay?” Helen closed the folders, placing them on the seat beside her, staring worriedly at him through the window.

“It was touch and go if I have to be honest. Not much longer after you left. He regained consciousness, had another full blown panic attack that put even more stress on his heart. His heart stopped and took us a good full two minutes to get it started again. We have him on oxygen so he can fully get the air he needs due to him being slightly weak from the earlier episode.” She leaned back, letting out a sigh of her own.

“We’re going to have to inform the others soon about this. Or at least a very slight summary, some warnings for what they should and shouldn’t do. We can’t have this happening again.” I nodded in agreement.

“We do, but I’m going to have to talk to Bucky about it first. Find out for sure what are the things he absolutely is not ready for yet or even at all.”

“Looks like it might be earlier than you think.” Helen nodded towards Bucky, who was beginning to stir on the bed, groggily reaching up towards the oxygen mask. “Go, Jules, I’ll stay out here for a while longer. You’re the one he’s the most comfortable around.” I stood up and headed into Bucky’s room, careful not to startle him into another attack.

“Bucky,” tired eyes met mine in recognition, “it’s me, Jules, do you remember me?” He slowly nodded and proceeded to try to remove the mask from his face, but I raised my hands to stop him.

“Leave the mask on, Bucky, it’s helping you breathe. It’s completely safe.” He ceased his movements and sunk back down into the mattress, watching as I made my way to the chair sitting on his right. Looking up at me as I stared down at him. He looked so tired, slightly in pain. Someone who was lost, trapped in a place with a lock but no key. “Do you trust me?” Again he nodded, which was good because he was coherent, making his own decisions and was aware of his surroundings.

Slowly, I leaned down and placed a soft kiss on his forehead, hearing him sigh underneath me. I pulled away and sat down, taking the book that laid on the bedside table. “Sleep Bucky, we’ll talk again when you wake up. Just relax and sleep, you’re safe here. I’m not letting anything happen to you.” I watched as heavy-lidded eyes slipped closed as he gave into the demand for sleep. So I sat there and read the book until I too had to stop and give my own body a rest. Not once leaving his side.

I woke up not due to the machines soft hums and beeps, but to something poking my shoulder. Mumbling in my sleep, I groggily swatted the object away so I could go back to sleep, but the poking continued, so I glared at the source responsible.

“Oh, so you are alive. Thought I’d have to call 1-800-REVIVE.” Bucky was staring at me with a smile and clearer eyes than yesterday. I groaned, but stood up and stretched out the stiffness from my muscles, cracking my back before heading over to the coffee machine in the back corner.

“Ha ha very funny, glad to know someone’s awake and ready to start the day,” I said as I filled two cups of the hot black gold I eagerly wanted in my system.

“Yeah, ready as I’ll ever be I guess,” Bucky replied as I sat back down, kicked my shoes off and rested my feet on the bed at an angle so I wouldn’t disturb the IVs. “What happened to Mr. Grouch Face? I remember you breaking his nose before I blacked out.” Placing the cup down, I reached behind me for the folder Tony made a copy for me and pulled out the agreement form.

“Yup broke his nose, his glasses and his massive dick ego,” I handed Bucky the form to read who took it with a raised eyebrow, “and got promoted, well kinda lost my job and got hired for a much better one.” I watched as he read through the form, face unreadable at first, before it broke out into a small laugh, then dropped down to a low hum.

“So what happened to him?” Bucky asked as he handed the form back over to me.

“He’ll be transferred to a different SHIELD location, a far location, and if he messes up even once, he’ll lose his job and get stripped of his occupational title,” I answered as I slipped the sheet back into the folder and relaxed into the chair once again.

“So, what happens now exactly? You give me a huge therapy lecture, sign me off to a bunch of medication?” I looked at Bucky concerned, I had patients who would often react like this after they had a relapse or a panic attack. It was heartbreaking to see them like this, the verge of giving up on treatment altogether and just let the therapists do whatever they wanted. But that wasn’t what I was here for, I wanted Bucky to know that he was in charge of his own decisions and that I wanted him to get the best help he could, comfort being a priority.

“No to all of the above,” I leaned forward and crossed my arms on the bed next to his arm, “I thought I’d ask you where you’d like to start. Go back to square one, start where we left off, give you time to process everything we’ve talked about like I promised I would. But it’s up to you, I’m here to help you in any way I can, but I won’t make the choices for you unless I believe I absolutely have to.” Bucky watched me, trying to see whether or not I was lying or not. When he decided I was speaking truthfully, he answered me.

“Square one, but...can we, can we skip all the stuff I already told you? I don’t think I’m actually ready to go through all of that again.” He nervously picked the fuzzy clumps off the blanket, hesitant to look at me.

“Of course we can skip that. We can focus on a different part of your therapy, we can focus on just the touch aspect. Do regular, but small, everyday activities and engage in physical contact. We could start off small, like sitting together and watching a movie, or -”

“A kiss on the forehead?” Bucky’s innocent face, but teasing eyes watched me as I blushed slightly.

“O-Or that, but we’ll work our way up from the small things.” I pushed aside the remark in hopes of moving along in the conversation, but boy was I wrong.

“So, moving up as in full body skin to skin contact? Or are we meeting halfway?” I felt my face grow hotter in embarrassment and glared at Bucky when he started to laugh.

“Y-You should, you should see your face! Oh man, that was, that was good.” Luckily, I was quick to repay the favor.

“Sure if that’s what you wanted. Or I could just slide my silky smooth body over yours, trail my fingers through your hair as I whisper breathlessly into your ear, ‘I just farted.’“ I said with a straight face but rejoiced when Bucky’s own face turned beat red, eyes wide with shock. 

“Ha!” I pointed at him, smiling in victory, “Now you should see  _ your _ face. Man, you weren’t expecting that now, did ya?” Bucky held his hands up as a sign of truce, returning my smile.

“What happened to the sweet, innocent therapist I had? Surely you aren’t her.”

“I grew up with four brothers and worked with complete idiots, so I’m not so sweet and innocent as many believe.” I felt relieved when Bucky smiled and laughed as we talked, letting his body fully relax into the mattress. Knowing that we were already off to a good start.

“Sorry to crush the awkward moment, but time to get serious again.” I stood up and searched through the menus for the cafeteria the room provided. “What would you like to do as a start?”

“Eat, watch a movie and, um...maybe stay with me? And we could just...talk? Never mind, sounds like a stupid idea.” Bucky looked away with a frown, but I was having none of that.

“First of all, stop right there. The idea is definitely not stupid and yes I’d love to join you. This is good Bucky, really good. We’ll go at your own pace and just let me know when you’re ready to move on to the next phase.”

“Okay, yeah...yeah, I-can I pick the movie? I heard Die Hard was a good one.” He asked, excitement shining clearly through his eyes. It struck me that this man who went through so many traumatic events, who was never given the power of choice, still managed to smile and crawl his way into my life.

“Think you can stay up for all six? Or are you too old and need your beauty sleep?” He gasped in mock hurt.

“Ouch, that hurt. Jules, I thought you were my friend. Beauty sleep my ass, let’s order a shit ton of food because I’m fucking starving. And the answer to your question is yes, let’s watch all six, not like I’m going anywhere soon.” I handed him half of the menus, while JARVIS cued up the first movie.

“Thank fuck I grew up with brothers.”

“Why’s that?”

“I learned how much food I can eat without getting sick and still manage to function afterward.” I took one last quick look at the menus before giving JARVIS my order along with Buckys. As I waited for the food to arrive, I swapped out my chair with the big arm chair, throwing my feet up on the bed again, making myself comfortable.

“Thanks for, for everything, Jules.” I turned my attention from the screen to focus on him.

“You have nothing to thank me for Bucky and I’m here for you, whenever you need me.” We were interrupted when our food was delivered with Helen trailing in behind to check up on Bucky’s vitals, then leaving shortly afterward. We ate as we watched, content and relaxing after the rough ordeals. When we began the second film, I noticed Bucky’s hand inch its way towards mine. I didn’t move because I wanted to see what he would do and smiled to myself when he linked our pinkies together. It was a step, to someone watching it looked small, but to Bucky, it was a huge step. He made the first move, he made the choice to initiate the contact and I was more than happy with the gesture.

                                                                         ------------

Bucky was getting released today after three extra days and I was currently heading down to meet with him. However on the way to the elevator, I bumped into Steve who was straightening his shirt horridly, belt still was undone and a rosy tint to his cheeks.

“AH! Oh, uh hi Jules, how are you?” He asked as we made our way into the elevator. Steve straightened his clothes as if nothing happened, but I just watched him. The flush on his face, the belt, shirts askew, his button down missing a few buttons, his hair standing on end, but the biggest clue was the tip of a purple bruise peeking out from the neck of his shirt.

“Me? Oh, I’m fine, Bucky gets released in a few minutes so I’m just going to meet with him and continue therapy.” I didn’t mention anything about his appearance, but he was definitely not going to hear the end of this. “How ‘bout you though? Looks like you just got out of bed.”

“Yeah, yeah, I uh woke up late and I have a meeting with Tony. Something about a new feature on my suit, then I have to train some of the new recruits today as well.” Yup Steve was definitely hiding something and I was determined to find out what that ‘something’ was, but all in due time.

“Well show ‘em new recruits how serious we need them to be Captain.” I shouldered him, which also gave me a view of his neck. Fading red lines, obviously from fingernails, were running down the back of his neck.

“Will do, but seriously, how’s Bucky doing? Helen said he had a panic attack shortly after we brought him in.” I sighed and leaned against the wall of the lift.

“He’s, well, we’re....we’re pausing on the previous subject, focusing more on the actual physical contact approach. So we’ll be taking things slow, like sitting next to each other, touching hands, side hugs, that type of thing. Baby steps or until he feels ready to take a much larger step.” The elevator stopped on the med floor, but I made no motion of leaving right away.

Steve turned to me, “Everything alright?”

“Yeah, it’s just, I hate having to do this, but I have to talk to Bucky about some...rules and guidelines we...I have to give to the rest of the team.” I said in a rush but was hesitant to look into Steve’s eyes, already knowing this was going to hurt him.

“What kind of rules Jules?” I could tell he was trying to keep his voice level, but a hint of his Captain America voice leaked through.

“Steve, what Bucky went through was more than traumatic. Touch scares him, any form of physical contact that sets him on edge will, not can,  _ will _ trigger a multitude of things. The rules or guidelines are mainly for Bucky’s mental state. Uh...a protective hedge so to speak, so he can feel comfortable around the team enough. However, the team needs to be informed of them so they know what to do and what not to do.” I looked at Steve and could see frustration bubble deep underneath the surface.

“Stop that right now, Steve Rogers and listen to me,” Once I could tell he was calmed down, I continued, “I know this sucks, I get it. You’re his best friend, you want to help him, keep him safe, and protect him. I. Understand. But if you really want to help him get past this, you need to listen to me and trust me. Trust Bucky and the decisions he makes. He needs his friend to support him, so do that. It’s not going to be easy. Hell, he might bounce back to square one after we took five steps forward. It takes time and I’m not one of those therapists who sets the time it takes to get them to where they need to be. It’s all on the patient, but if Bucky needs to take baby steps the whole way to get there? Then we’ll take the small steps as they come.” I looked behind me to see Helen and Bucky already waiting for me at the end of the hallway, watching us. I really needed to wrap this up.

“Just give him time okay, Steve?”

“I’ll give him time, thanks...thanks for letting me know, Jules. Or I would’ve done something stupid.” I knew this was my opportune moment and I was going to take it.

“You’re not stupid, Steve, well, besides the fact that you might want to check for injuries the next time you wake up. Others might get suspicious.” I replied while gesturing towards the hickey on his neck. Steve checked his reflection and immediately covered his neck, the flush returning. “Must’ve been a rough night last night. Oh, I know how to sew buttons too in case you’re wondering.” I said over my shoulder as I headed towards Bucky, smiling with glee as the doors closed to a gaping Steve.

“Hey Helen, Bucky, how’s our dark and brooding patient this morning?” Bucky frowned and grumbled.

“I’m not brooding, I’m a deadly assassin who’s being lectured...again.” Helen crossed her arms, totally unfazed by Bucky’s attitude.

“Uh-huh, well Mr. Dark and Brooding here has just been waiting anxiously for you. He’s good to go, I had a copy of his file sent to your office about what medications he can take if need be. Hearts all strong and healthy and he has agreed to your request of being pulled from missions until you give him the go ahead.” I nodded at Helen.

“Thanks, Helen, come on Buck, let’s leave her to her doctoral duties and go grab some breakfast.” I began to lead the way when I felt something brush against my hand. I looked down to see his right hand inched towards mine. So without saying anything, I just stick out my pinky to him and smile when he wraps his own around it.

“What were you and Steve talking about? He probably hates me, he has every right to.” Bucky said the last part quietly I had to strain to hear it.

“Why would you think that?”

“I pushed him away, I’ve been avoiding him, hiding from him...lying to him.” I stopped our way towards the kitchen where I could hear the voices of the others.

“Hey JARVIS?”

“Yes, Ms. Jules?”

“Could you have our breakfast sent up to my office please and Code B-JURN,” I told the AI as I headed us back to the elevator.

“What does B-JURN mean?” Bucky asked as the doors slid closed.

“It means that no one will be disturbing us in my office unless they want to be sent down to Helen for major injuries. I had it placed for both my office and my floor since that day. Luckily no one’s been stupid enough to go against it.”

“Why?”

“It’s supposed to make you feel comfortable whenever we’re in a session. As a warning to others and a safety for you.” The lift fell quiet as it continued upwards until Bucky’s voice cut through the silence.

“You’ve used it before. That’s why you chose it.” I don’t say anything right away, stepping out of the lift when the doors finally opened. I made my way towards my office but was stopped when Bucky took my hand in his, pulling me to a stop. This was the most physical contact he initiated in the past few days, so it took me by surprise when he grabbed my hand.

“Did I say something wrong?” His voice small and insecure.

“No Bucky, it’s not,” I sigh and look down at our joined hand, his was large, strong, calloused but yet soft and gentle. Contrasting against my small, dainty one. “Let’s sit, I need to sit.” I steered us towards my office, kicked off my shoes and let gravity suck my body down into the couch cushions, Bucky doing the same on the opposite couch.

“Code JURN was something I - we used on our street corners, bars, streets, hotel spots when we’d try to pick up a client. Uh, when, it was back when I was a hooker, whore, street treat, take your pick. The more money you offered, the more us girls were willing to do. It was easy money, I could make five hundred easy in one night, more if I actually wanted. But us girls always stuck together, had each other’s backs if one of us felt uncomfortable in any kind of situation.”

“So you guys came up with code names?” I nodded, finally registering that our breakfast was already delivered and decided to pick at the eggs.

“Alice, she was one of the first girls who approached me, gave me pointers, introduced me to the other girls, ya know, she was one of the first ones to find me after a night gone bad. I got picked up, was supposed to go the hotel for the night, that type of thing. But we never did, instead he told his driver to stop in an alley - he was a big money type person - and he wanted to have a threesome with me and his driver, which was not what I agreed to. Not unless he paid extra, which is what you had to do at the start.

So imagine my surprise when his driver hops in the back and they both start getting frisky with me. This was only my fourth client by the way, so I thought this was normal up ‘til the point when they began to get more urgent. Long story short, they tried to rape me, almost succeeded if it wasn’t for Alice and some of the other girls. They found the car in the alleyway, recognized the license plate and took action. We always hide crowbars and bats in our areas for things like this, so they bashed a window, scared them shitless, took what they owed me, helped me out of the car and the creeps left with a promise not to turn us in if they wanted to keep their dicks in one piece.

So that’s where Code JURN came into play. We each had our own, mine was Code Jules-Unavailable Right Now. To others, it didn’t mean anything, but to us it did. If any of us had a bad or sick feeling about a client or someone who’s willing to pay for a quickie, a full night, wild night, whatever, if they gave off a vibe one of us would steer the person away while another would text their own code to them as a warning to lay low for a while. It helped, kept us safe, made us feel safe.” I felt nervous, uncomfortable. I’ve never told anyone this before, well besides my own therapist who helped me move past it.

“You added me to your code, Code Bucky-Jules Unavailable Right Now. That’s why you added it, to make me feel safe here.” Bucky looked at me, still trying to take it all in that someone would even do this for him.

“Yes, I did. I hope that’s okay, I can change it if you want.” He shook his head, smiling softly.

“No, I like it. Makes it sound like we’re spies or something.”

“Well technically you are a spy, so it would be the spy slash assassin and the evil mastermind.”

“Bucky and Jules, the Dynamic Duo.” I pointed my fork at him in excitement.

“Yas! I like it! I can see the headlines now; ‘The Mysterious Dynamic Duo Strikes Again! Who Are They and What Are Their Plans?’ I think it fits.” We both ended up sprawled on the couches holding our sides as we laughed. I haven’t heard Bucky laugh at all, so just to hear him be free like this felt really good, made him look good too.

“You’re amazing you know that?” Our laughter slowly died down as I glanced over to where Bucky was laying down, a complete satisfied look on his face.

“You’re pretty amazing yourself too. Even though you have an ugly ass.” His head whipped towards me, a playful hurt look on his face.

“Ouch doll, that really hurt. JARVIS, Jules is being mean to me! If you must know Jules, my ass is awesome. I can prove it to you if you want.” He started getting up and began to unfasten his belt.

“No! Don’t, I don’t want to be scarred for life from all the wrinkles and sagginess!” I squealed and covered my eyes.

“My ass doesn’t sag and it doesn’t have wrinkles. Their smooth, firm and are the perfect roundness. I worked hard for this ass.” I swatted his butt away from me when he playfully wiggled it in my face.

“Fine, fine, your ass is the best ass I’ve seen, but shake your ass somewhere else you goof.” He turned around and sat on the floor beside me instead of returning back to his previous spot. He reached for my hand again, which I willingly took, watching as he fiddled with my fingers deep in thought. We stayed like this for who knows how long, lost in our own thoughts.

“How do you do it?”

“What?” He asked me, curious blue-grey eyes watching me.

“How come every time I’m around you I feel...at ease. It’s like I’m drawn to just be near you, want to touch you, not like that but like this,” he gestures towards our clasped hands, “all the hurtful touches disappear when I’m with you. I don’t understand. When you helped me that first day, it felt as if your touch alone was pulling me out from the touches that were drowning me. It’s like I  _ need _ your touch just too even get through the day.” I wasn’t prepared for that confession at all. I knew that my presence helped him, but I wasn’t aware of the full extent of it.

“I don’t know, maybe I saw myself at first. Someone who was lost, desperately seeking for help that they weren’t sure how to find. Leo Buscaglia once said, ‘Too often we underestimate the power of touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.’ “I held his hand in both of mine, putting all my focus on him and him alone.

“Bucky, you were deprived of something that everyone needs in their life. For the full 70 years Hydra had you, they took a lot from you and twisted the physical contact you craved, turning it into something you absolutely feared. How you reacted that day was completely understandable. That’s why I want to help you, I want to help you so you no longer fear the contact that others offer.” I waited as Bucky let everything I told him to sink in. Hell, everything I told him in the past, what hour? Was a lot to take in. Plus we could afford to veer off topic for one day, we could continue on the next day, so, for now, we’ll take this as a well-needed break.

“What do we do now then?” I squeeze his hand once, then reach over to the side table and pull out my Stark Tablet opening up the notes app.

“Well two choices, either we continue breakfast and finish watching Die Hard or we can finish breakfast, order in for lunch, cut to the chase and get one object out of the way.”

“And what would that object be?” Bucky asked as he reached for his own breakfast, which was well beyond cold now, but he didn’t seem to mind.

“Um, it, it would be how we’re going to inform the team. So, we’re going to have to set up rules, guidelines for the others to follow so they’re prepared on what not to do around you so they don’t accidentally switch on a panic attack.” His hand froze mid-way on bringing a slice of toast to his mouth.

“This is  _ only _ if you’re ready. They won’t need to know the full extent of what happened or none of it at all, but after what happened before,” I thought back to the major panic attack Bucky went through. How scared he was when the asshole and his minions barged in here and almost causing his heart to fail. “I can’t have that happening again Bucky, I don’t think I’ve ever been that scared and pissed off in my whole life.”

Bucky finished his breakfast at his own pace as I let him think about the next step we needed to take towards his recovery. Overall it was a baby step, but to him, it was as if he was going to be taking a full leap over a cliff. I would never put him in a position like this ever, but his health and safety were a priority at the moment and this would make sure that the others would know to back off and not do anything stupid.

“I would come up with the rules and everything? Whatever I come up with they would have to respect it?” He finally spoke up after a few good minutes.

“Yes, or they would have to answer to me and that won’t be a good thing. I’m pretty sure Tony showed them the footage of the meeting I had with Fury, Roberts, and Tony. You are my patient first and foremost and if I feel your life and safety are at risk from  _ anyone _ I don’t care if they’re Avengers or not, it won’t end well for them. And if SHIELD decides to step in then I’ll be more than happy to show them who they’re dealing with.” The tension in the air dissipated as Bucky smiled at my protectiveness over him and how threatening I was trying to be.

“Could we maybe, do you think we can do that tomorrow? I kinda, I want.” He seemed to struggle to actually get the words out into the open. Face furrowed in frustration when he failed to do so. Placing the Stark Tablet aside, I uncurled myself from my spot on the couch and kneeled beside him, brushing aside the hair that covered his face.

“What do you want Bucky?” I asked him quietly. This was about him and what he wanted, not what I wanted.

“Can I, I want,” I waited patiently, not wanting to rush him into answering me, giving him all the time he needed. “I want to watch Die Hard with you, stuff my face with all the pasta I want, I want my fucking life back, I want the nightmares to just go away and…” He looked away sheepishly.

“And what Bucky?” Now curious to know what else he wanted.

“You to kiss my forehead every once in a while...it’s probably stupid, but I, I kinda liked it.” If you would’ve asked me that day if I ever thought he would make a permanent residence in my life, I wouldn’t believe it. But now, now I do.

Without saying anything, take his face in my hands and lean forward to place a gentle kiss on his forehead. “Then you shall get all the forehead kisses, hugs, hand holding sessions you want. Just never be afraid to ask for it. And yes, I’d love to finish watching Die Hard with you and you will get your life back, but for now we’re going to be lazy.” I stand up and pull Bucky up to his feet, then proceeded to whip out blankets and pull off the couch cushions onto the floor.

“JARVIS cue up where we left off and could you do a double,” I stared at Bucky who was standing there all confused, “no a triple order of the pasta place on the corner?”

“Right away Ms. Jules. Would you like extra garlic bread as well to go with your order?”

“You know me so well J!’ Once I deemed the floor, now covered in blankets and cushions, satisfactory, I plopped down and patted the spot beside me.

“Get your ass down here old man, we’re going to watch movies, pig out and get fat on bread and pastalicioiusness.” For a second, Bucky just looked down at me with concern, but then a smile cracked on his face, followed by him laughing.

“Old man my ass, have you even seen Steve? He’s old as fuck, he definitely needs to get laid or something.”

“About that, I think he already is.”

“What?! No way, who is it? Is it someone we know? That punk, how come I’ve never noticed this?”

“I have no idea who it is, but he definitely got some serious action last night. When you saw us in the elevator a while ago, he was obviously sporting some hickeys and nail marks from his passionate fuck session with his mysterious lover.”

“Did he really have a hickey?”

“Oh yeah, he thought he might’ve been all sneaky about it. He also had a little gait to his walk too. Ooh not to mention the faint smell of perfume either. So believe me, I 100% determined to find out who this mysterious gal is, but for now,” I got up when a knock sounded at the door, thanking the delivery man who brought over our food, “I’m starving. So eat, be lazy and we’ll focus on brass and nails tomorrow.”  This was the perfect way to end the day. With a plan set for tomorrow, Bucky could just relax and just be himself and focus on nothing except for right now. I already knew this wasn’t going to always be this easy, but I’d consider this as a huge win. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and Comments are loved and appreciated! 
> 
> Love you guys! <3 <3 <3


	5. Bucky's Rules

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky needs to make the rules, but that means he has to think about what triggers him. Ones that could set him back a few small steps, not to mention, what will the team think about them when it’s time?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bucky’s POV...rape scene is between these ******* if you want to skip past that part. So please read the warnings, for they are crucial for what this part contains. This wasn’t easy for me to write, so be aware that Bucky will have a few more flashbacks in other parts, but I’ll tell separate them with * so you know.

It’s been two days since Jules told me I needed to come up with a few boundary rules for not just for myself, but for the others as well. For it was important for my own safety and well being, but also for the team so they wouldn’t do something on accident that they’d regret later. However, it was difficult. It meant I had to think, really think about what were red flags and what ones were yellow. Thinking about this was something I wasn’t going to enjoy doing. But she did offer to give me time to think about them, but only giving me a week in order to do so. Not so that it was rushing, but so we could have them down early enough so I could feel more settled down. 

Which I was grateful for, ‘cause I was currently trying not to freak the fuck out. And the bath didn’t seem to be helping either, so I just pulled the plug and switched it to the shower so the water would rain down on me. Creating the perfect hair shield around my face, blocking out the rest of the room from my sight as I tucked my knees to my chest, chin resting on top. 

I let the warmth of the water cascade over me, soaking it through my skin so it clung to my bones, fighting off the chills that refused to go away. It was as if they were icicles wrapped around warm flesh, but they refused to melt. Leaving me chilled, cold, and unable to take in any heat. But then there were times where my flesh felt as it was on fire, my body radiating with heat. Heat from the sharp shocks of electricity from tools, the memory of a hand that slapped every inch of skin I had. As a reminder of what I was only used and good for, someone to be broken and used. Someone whose skin was perfect for those who wanted to show off their work, their mark. I shuddered violently as I felt a pair of invisible hands spank my ass and upper thighs repeatedly and with such force that even the serum couldn’t even catch up. Bruises that turned black and sometimes bled. Bruises that eventually left permanent scars. 

I stilled as I felt another presence with me inside the bathtub, scared to look up, I tucked myself even further into my end of the tub. Hoping, wishing that they, whoever the fuck they were, would leave me the fuck alone.

‘Aw come on hunny bunny, no need to hide it from me. I know you liked it. Why don’t you come over here like a good boy and let me help you out, huh?’ I could feel my lungs freeze, unable to breathe. No, no, no, no, he couldn’t be here. He CAN’T be here! No!

“No, please, please go away.” I don’t dare look up, not wanting to look into those cold, hard, empty eyes.

‘Oh but sweetheart, you know what happens to bad boys who don’t listen. Now, get that sweet ass over here before I drag you over here. Unless you want that kind of thing.’

“No” I refused, no longer registering the hot temperature from the water, instead of going cold.

‘You know I don’t like to be refused sugar, guess you give me no choice.’ The voice sounded irritated and impatient. Out of instinct, I looked up and scrambled away from him. This wasn’t real, he wasn’t real, there was no way Rumlow could be in my bathtub. But he was, his clothes were soaked and he had that same hatred heated glare in his eyes as he slowly made his way towards me. 

**********(Skip if need be)**********

“NO!” Out of an act of desperation, I hurriedly scrambled out of the tub only to feel a hand on my ankle yank me back, causing me to slip back into the tub. Giving Rumlow the perfect opportunity to straddle my back and hold my wrists together. I tried to shove him off of me, but it was no use, he quickly ripped off his belt and wrapped it around my wrists until they were successfully tied together. Leaving me completely helpless on my stomach. 

‘Now we’re talking sweet cheeks,’ he said above me, using his free hand to grip harshly at my ass. ‘Hmmm, just like old times huh?’ I felt his weight get heavy as he leaned down, his hot breath on the side of my face. I shuddered as he licked my ear, taking it between his teeth harshly. ‘I wonder if you taste the same.’ 

“No, please, no-” my plea was ignored as his rough hands gripped my hips, rearranging me until I was in his favorite present position. On my knees, legs spread, ass in the air, back sloped so my shoulders rested on the cold floor. Hands perfectly restrained behind my back. I let the tears fall, for there was nothing I could do, knowing full well what was was going to happen next. I squeezed my eyes shut as I felt his rough hands pull apart my ass cheeks to expose my hole to him. My breath shudders as he licks a stripe across the skin of my scrotum, flicking the tip of his tongue over the sensitive area.

He groans deeply, his sound of pleasure rumbling through me like an earthquake. ‘Fuck sweetheart, you taste even better than I remember.’ I bit my lip as he squeezed my upper thighs tightly enough to bruise as he sucked and bit the skin of my lower back. ‘But I bet you feel just as good.’ My eyes popped open, breaths growing faster as I felt him shift behind me, the sound of soaked pants being moved. 

“No, no please, please don’t! Please, I won’t fail again I promise!” I strained against the bindings on my wrists, trying to use my shoulders as leverage to lift myself up. However, hands stopped me, pushing them back down roughly. 

‘Damn right you won’t fail me again sweet cheeks, but you did, so now I gotta punish ya. But first, let’s turn this off, can’t have it ruin the fun.’ I heard a faint winding hum as Rumlow deactivated my left arm, ‘Now, if you’re good, I’ll even let ya cum.’ Squeezing my wrists tightly in each hand, I mentally prepared myself for the pain that was soon coming. Rough only met one thing, where only pain followed. It wasn’t much longer until I felt the tip of his length run along my asshole, without any preparation, he pushed his whole length in all in one stride. Stretching my canal walls to the point of where it felt as if he was ripping me apart. 

I screamed as he filled me to the hilt. “AHHH!”

The echo of skin on skin filled the bathroom as Rumlow slapped my ass enough times for his handprint to be left behind. ‘Now you got it, scream for me baby, beg for it, beg for it and I’ll let you cum.’ His hand came down again in rapid succession until I had no choice but to relent and give him what he wanted. 

“Please, please Sir, I-I...I want it. I f-failed you, Sir, I need to be punished.” His answer was him pulling out only to thrust in time with each slap. Each one harder and faster than the first. Luckily the water from the shower made it easier for him to slide in, but it didn’t muddle the pain. 

‘Now ya got it, sound so good when ya beg sweetcheeks. Fuck, you’re so tight, love it when you’re so tight. Pierce is gonna love ya like this, used, spent, marked with my jiz, all ready to be fucked senseless by him. Aren’t ya pretty boy?’ When I didn’t respond, he gripped my hair firmly yanking my head back. A silent order to answer him.

“Yes Sir, use me for your own pleasure sir.” This went on for ages, the pain never ending, the hurtful touches burning right into my skin, down to the very heart of me. I couldn’t move, breath or even have the strength to resist him. So I did what I always did, I slipped into the depths of my mind-numbing the access to the outside world. Trying my best to imagine touches that brought love and happiness, rather than pain and torment. But words shouting through my subconscious was making it difficult.

**********(Flashback ends)**********

“Bucky! Bucky please let me in! Are you okay? What’s happening?” I couldn’t tell where the voice was coming from, but I refused to acknowledge it, knowing that it was just one of Rumlow’s tricks or worse, Pierce’s. 

A pounding sound, like a fist hitting a door soon followed. “Bucky, I’m serious, what’s going on? I’ll break down this door if I have to!” However, the booming voice was quickly replaced by another, one that I did indeed seem to remember. 

“Steve, what the fuck are you doing? No, don’t answer that for right now, you’re a complete dumbass and have now just earned a meeting with me, along with a written report.” The newest voice was indeed female and shut down any objections from the other. “Now git before I lose my nerve Steven Grant Rogers, you could be making this whole thing worse.” With a muffled apology, Steve left, leaving only the woman behind. 

“Hey Bucky, it’s me, Jules. Remember me? I’m not here to hurt you, but I’m worried about you. Let me in or don’t, I don’t care, but please give me a sound or verbal response to let me know that you’re still breathing.” I turned my head towards the calming voice coming through the closed door, eyes clouded with a new set of tears as I tried to give her an answer. A broken sob racked through me, as I just wanted her gentle touchback. To erase all memory of Rumlow’s. 

“Please!” I wailed out painfully, struggling to push myself up but failing. 

“Bucky? Oh fuck, Bucky can I come in? Do you need JARVIS to open the door?” Jules answered softly, but urgently. 

“Please, Jules make it stop, make him go away!” I cried out, struggling desperately to shove off the phantom weight from my back. 

“JARVIS open the door, but keep everyone else locked out from this area.” 

“Right away Dr. Carlson.” The sound of a door opening and quiet cursing filled the room along with the water from the shower. I looked over, more like up, to see that Jules was standing in the doorway in shock. It took me a few seconds to realize that I was no longer in the tub but rather crumbled on the floor in a wet heap with the shower curtain somehow tangled around my wrists and legs. I could tell that she was struggling to keep herself by the door, then rushing to my side and that’s all that what I wanted. I wanted,  _ needed _ her touch, but this all felt like a dream or a trick of some kind. This couldn’t be real, she can’t be real. Seeming to sense that, Jules took slow steps towards me. 

“Bucky, I need you to breath okay? Remember our breathing exercises? Let’s do a couple sets of those.” Her eyes locked with mine as I nodded slowly, trying to do what she told me as she eventually knelt down beside me. “Keep doing that Bucky, I’m going to get you untangled okay?” I nod again, watching her as she carefully untangles the plastic from me. Making sure to keep her eyes focused on what she was doing, rather than rake them over my naked form like it was a piece of meat. 

“I’m just getting up to grab a towel and a robe, don’t move yet, I’m not sure if you sprained anything.” With quick but careful movements, Jules stood up grabbed what she needed and was back by my side again. “Alright, I’m going to get this robe on you, but you’re going to need to help me out.” She helped put my arms through the sleeves, tying the robe up then proceeded to lay my head on the folded towel she put on the floor. 

“Please, p-please h-help.” My words barely managed to make their way out, only coming out as a raspy whisper, but she heard it anyway. 

“Don’t worry Bucky, I’ll help. Can you tell me what hurts?”

“E-Everything, make it stop, p-please make it stop.” Her emerald green eyes filled with unshed tears at my broken pleas. 

“I know it hurts Bucky, but where exactly does it hurt? Back? Legs? Wrists?” She listed off a few examples for me, eyes still locked on mine. I frown, taking in my body and my surroundings as the haze of the flashback still lingered. 

“My...my wrists…” 

“Mind if I take a look?” I nodded at her request, sighing in relief when her gentle fingers probed my wrists for any sprains or bruising. “You’re left hand’s fine, but your right one is sprained and bruised. But I can wrap that up quickly until you’re ready to have Helen look at it.”

With my hand now bandaged, clothed in a warm, soft, bathrobe, I curled up on the cold tiles of the bathroom floor and cried. Sobbing painfully as I could still feel Rumlow on me...in me. When Jules laid beside me, pulling me into her arms, I went willingly. Curling into her and the comfort I knew she would give, one that would never ever hurt me like he did. I was grateful she didn’t say anything about what happened or the tears or wails of pain she was currently witnessing and I knew I’d have to talk about it eventually. But for now, I just wanted this and only this. 

I wasn’t sure how long I was out, but it felt like forever. The best sleep I’ve gotten in such a long time if I had to be honest. I take a deep breath as I slowly acknowledged my senses, something warm over me, a golden hue of light flickering behind my eyelids. The way my body seemed to be sinking or floating on a soft cloud of some kind. I didn’t want to open my eyes just yet, but rather just soak this all in for a few more minutes. Eventually, I cracked one eye open as to not have the light blind me. With now both eyes open I look to see that I was facing a window. The sun shining brightly in the blue sky, a few clouds hoving past as if they were going through molasses. 

I realized I was no longer on the bathroom floor, but in a bed, under a downy feather comforter still in the same bathrobe Jules helped me in. Jules. Where was she? What exactly happened? With sluggish movements, I sit up and look around the room, my room I gathered. But I don’t remember the bed feeling this good. It felt completely different from what I remembered. I looked over at the door as it opened, Jules coming in with a tray in her hands. Her face brightened slightly when she saw me awake. 

“Hey Bucky, good to see you back with us. You hungry? It’s nothing big or heavy, just some scrambled eggs and some fruit.” I gave her a quiet nod, holding my stomach as it growled from the lack of sustenance. 

“Thank you,” I said quietly as I ate the eggs slowly in between bites of fruit.

“No problem, breakfast is always the most important meal of the day. Not to mention my favorite.” Jules replied, taking the seat beside me next to the bed drinking her coffee. 

“H-How long?” I asked her without looking up from my food. 

“You’ve been asleep for a good fifteen hours. I managed to get you into your bed, which by the way you haven’t been using before you passed out. I had sent up a more pillows and aromatherapy candles and had those going for a few hours as you slept as well. They seemed to help a bit when you began struggling to get back to sleep.” She answered setting down her coffee, looking at me with concern. 

“Did you tell Steve anything?” I asked hesitantly, really not wanting my friend to know anything about this anyway.

“No, I didn’t, what happens between the two of us stay private. Not even SHIELD will know, for if they do, they’ll have hell to pay. You are my patient Bucky, your safety and privacy is my top concern. And if you’re ever ready to talk about anything, I’ll be here.” I nod in thanks, even more aware of my state of dress. Shifting on the bed, I pulled the robe tighter around myself. Jules must’ve caught on quickly for she scrambled with her words. 

“Oh, oh, I’m sorry Bucky, shoot, I forgot about that.” She stood up and gestured towards the other room, “I’ll give you some privacy, I’ll just raid your book collection.” As she was about to leave, she hesitated and turned back to me, pressing a feather-light kiss to my forehead. I keened softly, leaning towards her a bit more. “I’ll be right outside.” I watched as she left, the door clicking closed behind her. 

Moving the tray aside, I slipped out of the comfort of my bed and sluggishly walked over to my closet, pulling out baggy sweatpants and sweatshirt. Heading towards the bathroom, I stopped, flashbacks of last night came back to me and I didn’t want to go through that again today. So I just got dressed by the bed, taking off my robe I prodded the skin around my thighs and the rim of my asshole for any bruised skin. But there wasn’t anything there, no bruises, torn skin, crusted blood at my entrance, no hand or finger-shaped bruises. It wasn’t real, whatever happened in the bathroom was just a memory...a horrid memory. Shaking myself out of it, I proceeded to get dressed and walked into the other room to see Jules lounging on the couch with a book. 

With the downey feather comforter in hand, I sat beside her knees curled up to my chest, eyes focused on my notebook on the coffee table in front of me. Without a word, I leaned forward and grabbed it opening it to a new page and began writing out the rules Jules wanted me to do. I didn’t want another repeat of the bathroom again, I wanted to get better, to forget about everything I’ve been through and make new memories void of pain. 

**_Boundary Rules:_ **

_ Hard No’s:  _

 

  * __Touching (unless I initiate it): handshakes, hugs, pats on the back, etc.__


  * _Milk at any costs_


  * _Nicknames such as; sweet cheeks, hunny bunny, good/pretty boy, sweetie, sugar or sweetheart_


  * _Restraints_



 

_ No’s:  _

 

  * __Pushing questions about private matters__


  * _Everything that’s private, stays private_


  * _Overcrowding_


  * _Missions of any kind (not ready)_



 

_ Yes’s: _

 

  * __Talking's fine__


  * _Team dinners_


  * _Early morning runs_



 

With a shaky breath, I handed Jules the book only to have her place it back on the table. “We’ll go over it tomorrow, why don’t we just eat and be lazy today. How’s that sound?” 

“Sounds good, can we...can we get pasta and maybe, maybe cheesecake?” I asked hesitantly, not sure if I still had the freedom of choice. Jules’s eyes softened even further, offering me the smile she only seemed to have for me.

“Anything you want Bucky, but I’m getting a double order of garlic bread, that stuff’s so good.” I laughed lightly, stomach growling again at the thought of that buttery addicting bread. “Hey JARVIS?”

“Yes Dr. Carlson, Mr. Barnes?”

“Please call us Jules and Bucky, at least when we’re in private.”

“Understood Jules, what can I do for you today?”

“Can you put in our regular order at the pasta place? But put a double order of the garlic bread and throw in a few of their cheesecake samplers as well?” 

“Order is placed Jules and Bucky, I’ll have it sent up to you when it arrives.”

“You’re the best J.”

“I aim to please.” Jules smiled up the ceiling, then gesturing towards the TV. 

“Have anything specific you want to watch? Or do you want to continue on with your list?” I thought back to the list of movies we had put together for me to see. There was one that did make me confused at the title, but also intrigued. 

“What’s ‘Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs?” Jules smiled widely, urgently cuing up the movie. 

“That my friend is an awesome choice, if you love food as much as I do, this is a food addicts dream.” With that, we began the film, all past events forgotten as we just focused being lazy for the rest of the day. We’d focus on what had to come later on.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be posting fluffy stuff later today since this one was super feely and heartbreaking. So fluff will come next. 
> 
> Please, let me know what your thoughts are. Your comments really do help me with everything, etc. 
> 
> Don't worry Bucky will be getting a very happy ending, just have to get through this shit first.


	6. Step Forward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After his most recent episode, Jules lets him rest as she has a meeting with the rest of the team to discuss what her position entails. Things are shared and are brought to light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There’s not any really detailed Rape/Non - but this tag will be a permanent one - scenes in this one, but Bucky does remember a lot, so some stuff is mentioned. Also, there’s pineapple pizza, which is gross, but hey if you like it kudos to you, cause I can’t stand it. Plus Jules forehead kisses are back!!!

* * *

Jules watched as Bucky slept on the couch, the events of yesterday took a lot out of him. She had a feeling that he was going to close himself off for a while, which sucked, but it was to be expected after living through a flashback like he did. Although Bucky refused to talk about it, his sad, pleading eyes told her what she suspected. That it was a rather bad memory he’d rather not relive again until he was ready. Thinking back on it, she was relieved that they both agreed on having Bucky make a list of rules the team would have to go by. 

After finishing their movie last night, she asked him if he wanted the others to know about his boundaries, rules and such.

_ “Y-Yeah, but, but I don’t want to tell them.” _

_ “Would you like me to explain the rules to them?” Bucky’s eyes grew wide and frantic but started to calm down when Jules when she began to speak softly to him. _

_ “Hey, hey Bucky it’s okay. The only thing they’ll be informed of is your rules, nothing else. Everything else will stay confidential between us and won’t be shared unless I have your permission to do so. Remember, your health and well being comes first, not their hurt feelings.” He nodded a few times, breathing a small sigh of relief. He was still getting used to the fact of someone wanting to care for him, protect him as a person and to never deny him the right to choose. _

_ “Okay, but I don’t want to be there when you tell them. They’ll...they’ll ask questions.” ‘They’ll give me horrifying looks of pity for the damage I went through’, was left unsaid. Across from him, she saw a man who was desperately trying to fix himself. A man who wanted nothing more than to hide from everything and everyone. Afraid to peel pack any further, for fear of the holes to never be filled again. Moving slowly, Jules stuck out her pinky finger, waiting patiently for him to look up.  _

_ It only took him a few seconds, but he knew what she was telling him, ‘I promise to help you, protect you’ ‘Your stories are safe with me’ ‘I got you covered’. So he took it, he wrapped his pinky around hers and kept them locked together as he shuddered out a breath in relief. Shoulders going lax as he wouldn’t have to do this by himself, but that Jules was there to help him every step of the way. _

Thus the reason she asked JARVIS to inform the team to meet her on her office floor. There was a lot of ground to cover, questions to answer, tempers to soak down and she really hoped that she didn’t have to raise her voice at anyone in the next few hours. After placing a warm blanket over Bucky, and kissing his forehead tenderly, she had JARVIS alert her when Bucky woke up and/or was distressed. Closing the door softly behind her, she headed down up to her floor where the others were gathered. When the doors opened, she was greeted by the team sitting on the furniture in the spacious room, with all levels of confused and worried expressions on their faces. 

“Before you all speak at once, I need fucking coffee in my system. So sit your spangled ass down Steve and give me a few minutes.” Jules took her time with the coffee, debating on whether or not to slice up some fruit as well, noticing how it was already noon, she decided to just make herself a fruit bowl with yogurt on the side. The room was quiet when she walked back in, taking her place on the empty chair by the couch. Holding back a yawn with the back of her hand, back arching as she stretched out the last strings of sleep from her body. 

“Now, before the stampede begins, here’s a recap. Bucky had a flashback yesterday, which will  _ stay  _ confidential,” stopping Steve from going further in that topic, “he’s fed and now resting and no he’s not here because he chose not to be. And no I’m not going to force him to either, cause that would be stupid. Now, I do have some things to hand out, but if you have questions we’ll do those first before we move on.”

She looked around the room, meeting everyone’s eyes, some looked as if they all had questions. Steve, of course, looked like he wanted to just leave and go comfort his friend, fidgeting in his seat, picking at his fingers. 

“I have one,” Clint spoke up.

“Go ahead, Clint.”

“Why are we here? Not to sound rude or anything, but is there a reason?” Jules nodded, taking a few seconds to drink her coffee.

“Yes, there is a very good reason. As you all know, I am the team’s therapist. If you already have one, which I know Tony does, that’s totally fine. I’m merely as someone else you could talk to. If you choose to do so, anything discussed will stay private and confidential. I won’t discuss your case with your other therapists or check in on how you’re progressing during those meetings. And if you don’t want to talk to me at all in the terms of me being your therapist, that’s fine as well. 

“As for this floor, this is where my office is held and various rooms to have one on ones or group meetings. Whatever you prefer, I asked Tony to make it more homey and relaxed so you don’t feel pressured or like the walls are closing in. If you need to ever talk to me, let me or JARVIS know and we’ll talk. Now, as the reason why I wanted to talk to all of you are in these folders. Please read them carefully and I’d prefer if you burned them into your brains, because I really don’t want to have to pull any of you aside for the stupid shit you do if you don’t.” Jules handed out folders to each of them, she sat back and continued to eat her fruit, giving them all some time to read what the files contained. It obviously didn’t take long until questions were fired at her at rapid speed. Mainly from Steve. 

“What does he mean by ‘Boundary Rules’?” 

“What does milk have to do with this?”

“But I thought he was cleared for missions? What does this mean Jules, what’s going on?” Leaning back in the chair, she waited a few seconds for Steve to cool down, who was obviously showing signs of irritation. He grew up wanting to help others, fight the battles his friends were in for them, she understood that, but this was one battle he couldn’t involve himself in.

“Okay, since clearly, your questions seem to be the same as the others, we’ll start with the simple stuff. Missions, yes, Bucky is technically cleared for missions according to SHIELD standards. However, after what I’ve seen and read of his file, and having a very long conversation about it with Bucky, he thinks he’s not ready for any sort of mission. And I agree.”

“But, he’s a member of our team, we need him.” Jules just looked at Steve, it didn’t take a genius to find out that he wasn’t pleased with any of this information, so she sighed and laid it on him. Like ripping off a band-aid.

“Look, Steve, I know this sucks, but I’d rather take care of Bucky now rather than send him out in the field today, only to have him have a major panic attack where it literally leaves him stuck in his own head for who knows how fucking long. He is my patient who is just relearning that he can make his own choices and decisions. He was the one who requested to not be part of any missions until he believes he’s ready. Capiche?” 

“I understand.” Steve nodded slowly, glancing back at the folder in his hands.

“Good, now for the ‘Milk’ bit, that I can’t tell you about only that it’s not good. So do Bucky a favor and don’t give any to him. The rest of the list is pretty much self-explanatory, any form of physical contact scares him. We’re slowly getting past that in our sessions, it’s not much but it’s progress.” The room fell silent as everyone thought about the information that was just shared. Jules knew that they all were going through their own struggles, having to meet with their own therapists to try to get past all that dread. 

Pulling out her phone, she quickly sent a message to Bucky to remind him to do his morning routine they put together. A few seconds later she received an image message, clicking on it, it was a photo of his journal with a list of things that made him happy and what he wanted to accomplish during the day. It was a helpful tool for her to focus on how good her life was, and a way to shorten the negative lists running through her head. So Bucky wanted to try it and was finding it very helpful.

_ ‘Man you’re pushy, already betcha too it Doc.’ _

_ Things that make me happy: _

 

  * __Woke up with the sun on my face__


  * _Didn’t want to get out of bed (yes, Jules, I’m finally sleeping in my bed)_


  * _I woke up knowing where I was_



 

_ What I want to try: _

 

  * __To take a shower again, no baths, just...just a shower__


  * _Pineapple on pizza, JARVIS said people like it, so I wanna see what all the huff is about_


  * _Hold hands without wanting to jerk them away, that’s what he always went for first_



Jules smiled as she read the list, but shuddered when he wrote that he wanted to try pineapple on pizza. Who even does that? It’s gross. She was happy that he did move to the bed, about time he finally used it. She’d have to ask him a few things when they had their session today, but she had to finish this one first.

_ ‘Hey, I’m not pushy, I’m plushy. Plus someone has to make sure you don’t stay in bed all day, Mr. I-have-a-comfy-bed-but-I-never-use-it.’ _

_ ‘Ha ha, very funny. You almost done?’ _

_ ‘Yes mom, go stuff your face with breakfast. I had JARVIS send up something.’ _

_ ‘But I don’t want to get out of bed.’ _

_ ‘Bucky I swear to god, get out of bed, eat, read and finish your morning routine.’ _

_ ‘Fine, you’re bossy.’ _

_ ‘Thank you, and you’re whiny.’ _ She looked up to see them watching her curiously, the corners of their mouths twitching up.

“What?”

“So who’s the lucky guy?” Clint asked, wiggling his eyebrows in a teasing matter. Jules just sighed, shaking her head.

“If you must know Birdbrain, that was Bucky.” All of a sudden they perked up, ready to spring out with a new batch of questions. “He says morning, that he’s fine and that he slept well. So don’t get your panties in a twist.” She replied back, grinning as Clint pouted. Glancing at the rest of them, she couldn’t help but take in Tony and Steve’s faces. Steve’s face was a little flushed, you could hardly see it, but it was there. Then Tony obviously had his public mask on, but his eyes were wider than before and he seemed to be shifting slightly in his seat. Probably have to go the bathroom and Steve’s probably not used to someone talking about panties or something. Putting that aside, she focused back on the meeting at hand.

“Well, that’s all I have really. Is there anything else you guys want to know?”

“Do you think we could maybe have a movie night tonight? If Bucky feels up to it of course, just so he knows we all care and stuff.” Clint mumbled the last part as if his idea was completely stupid.

“There’s a good Indian place a few blocks away, with great curry. They also deliver.” Bruce spoke up this time, fiddling with his glasses. 

“I think those sound like great idea’s, I’ll ask Bucky what he thinks and get back to you. I’ll let you guys get whatever else you want, I’m not picky. Just make sure there’s a spot that’s not too crowded for him, but also a clear exit in case he needs to leave.” The team nodded eagerly, Clint and Nat already chatting away about tonight. While Steve and Tony were having a conversation all their own.  _ At least they’re not killing each other,  _ Jules thought to herself as she made her way back up to Bucky’s floor to ask him about tonight.

But when she walked in, she was met with the sight of him standing in the doorway to his bathroom, pale as a ghost. Fist hitting his thigh that would give anyone without super serum bruises, the other running through his hair anxiously. The shower was on, but he made no notion of going in. Last night's panic attack came back to her, how JARVIS alerted the team as they were watching a movie that Bucky was having an episode. Hearing him cry out to make it stop, to help him. To see Steve so scared that he was out of his seat and bolting towards his best friend before JARVIS could finish talking.

Taking slow steps, making enough noise as to not to spook him, she talked calmly to the frightened man.

“Bucky, just breathe for me, okay? Just like we practiced, yeah?” 

She stepped in front of him, so when he broke out of this haze, she was the first thing he saw. Carefully grabbing his right hand from his hair, Jules placed it on her chest so he could feel her steady breathing. 

“That’s it, just nice and slow, okay? Take a deep breath and hold it for me. Okay, now release through your nose slowly. Let’s do another set.” They both did this for several minutes until Bucky was calm enough to stop hitting his thigh and his chest rising in time with hers. 

“That’s good, Bucky.” Blue-grey eyes met hers, frightened from seeing ghosts of his past, but a sliver of relief when he noticed Jules in front of him. Noticing this, she smiled, “You back with me, big guy?”

“I-I think so.” He replied.

“Still want to take a shower?” 

“Y-Yeah, but I’m scared he’ll come back. That he’ll be there and do it all over again.” Not wanting him to work himself up all over again, she talked to distract him. 

“How about this? You keep your shorts on, we’ll put a stool in the shower and I’ll help wash your hair. That way the suds can wash everything else. I’ll only touch your hair and nothing else.” After a moment's pause, Bucky nodded.

“Okay.”

“Okay,” she offered him a light smile, “why don’t you grab a new change of clothes while I grab a stool and I’ll talk to you about stuff.” They both met again in the bathroom, this time Bucky stripped down to his boxers standing in the shower staring at the shower nozzle like it was going to strangle him. Jules setting the stool down in front of him as well.

“Right, so why don’t you sit, back facing me so you don’t have to stare at the thing. I’ll wash your hair and more than likely talk your ears off.” For the first time that morning, Bucky let out a quiet laugh, doing as she told. Not the least ashamed that he was practically naked in front of her, but Jules didn’t seem to mind, too focused on keeping him calm. She made sure that she changed into a pair of shorts and an old shirt of Bucky’s that he gave her to change into. Starting the shower, Jules made sure to keep a majority of the water hitting her rather than Bucky. Thank fuck Tony wanted everyone to have a well-designed bathroom, fantastic water pressure, odds and ends that fit all their needs, like detachable shower heads. Deeming the water was hot enough, she grabbed the shower hose from the wall and aimed it off to the side so the man in front of her could prepare himself. 

“Okay, if you’re ready, I’m going to start getting your hair wet. Let me know if you don’t want me doing this.” Staring at the water hitting the wall, Bucky took deep breaths, trusting Jules completely. 

“I-I’m ready.”

“Tilt your head back please,” he did and he sighed as the hot water soaked his hair, seeping into his bones. But when hands, gentle and kind, began to massage his skull he had to fight to stay on the stool. Not to get away from the touch, but rather to not melt right down to the floor. Jules didn’t say anything as he groaned out in sweet relief, or when he let out a tiny whimper when those hands left him.

“Stop whining you big baby, I’m just grabbing the soap,” he let out a huff but didn’t say anything. The sound of a cap snapping open echoed through the bathroom, followed by the aroma of vanilla and lilac. Then those hands were back, massaging the shampoo into his hair, washing away all the grime and sweat from the day before. Bucky sat still, head tilted back as she washed the last of the suds out, combing her fingers through his now clean hair before she grabbed the conditioner. 

“If I didn’t think you were going to talk my ear off, I would’ve believed you had an obsession with my hair.” Her hands stilled for a minor second, then continued on with combing the conditioner in his hair. 

“Not my fault you have great hair, as for talking your head off, I do want to talk to you about something.” Out of instinct, Bucky’s shoulders stiffened, waiting for the blows her words would bring. Did she not want to be his therapist anymore? Was he not doing good, making progress with their sessions? Was it him? Was he the one patient she worked with that she doesn’t want to work with anymore because he’s too damaged? A man who couldn’t even protect himself as others used him and his body for their own enjoyment?

“Hey, stop thinking that right this instant, James Buchanan Barnes. Those thoughts you’re thinking? Get rid of ‘em, cause none of them are true.” He didn’t realize that she was now crouched in front of him, green eyes wide with concern and a deep anger that wasn’t aimed at him but towards others. “Okay?”

He gave her a small nod, doing the breathing exercises they practiced, “I’m okay.”

“Good,” she patted his knee and went back to wash out the product from his hair, “now what I was going to ask was about tonight. The team is planning a movie night, Bruce is going to order from his favorite Indian place, I think Steve and Nat are picking the movie and Clint’s going to buy out a candy store of all their candy.” She turned off the water, clipping the hose back in its place, then took a big fluffy towel and began to pat his hair dry. “They wanted me to ask if you’d be interested in joining us. Only if you want to Bucky.” Letting himself lean back against her because for some odd reason he craved more of...something. More gentle touches, he felt vulnerable all of a sudden due to his action, but she didn’t say anything about it. Rather instead just wrapped the towel around his shoulders as she once again combed her fingers through his hair to prevent any knots forming. 

He knew that this was a way for him to heal from what he’s been through, not to mention that Steve was beyond worried about how he’s been distant, but at the same time grateful that he stopped being so much as a mother hen. But now as he thought about it, the whole movie night didn’t sound like a bad idea. “I’ll go, on one condition.”

“Ask away.”

“Clint buys a pineapple pizza.” He bit the inside of his cheek when he heard Jules shudder behind him.    


“Ugh, I think I’m gonna be sick. Why would you want to do that to your body?” She fake gagged as she stepped out of the shower, toweling herself off with a different towel. 

Bucky just shrugged, “I’m curious.” 

“Still gross as fuck, but I’ll let Clint know.” She replied, already thumbing away a text to the archer.

_ ‘He says yes, but order a pineapple pizza too.’ _

_ ‘Gross why?’ _

_ ‘Just do it please, Bucky requested it.’ _

_ ‘His death then.’ _

_ ‘Clint’ _

_ ‘Fine, one disgusting pineapple ruined pizza coming up.’ _

“Right, the message sent. Now I’m going to get changed before I die of a cold. We still have a few hours before the movie, do you want to have your session before or after?” She would prefer before, because they have time now, plus it would give Bucky time to think about what they talked about and he wouldn’t have to sleep on it much. That way he could enjoy the movie and the disgusting pizza, without a worry about having to talk after.

“Before, I don’t...I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep if...after.” Nodding once, Jules grabbed her clothes from before and headed for the door.

“Good, but Bucky we are going to be talking about what you told me this morning about your hands. It’s going to suck, but it will help to talk about it.” She didn’t give him much time to respond to having already heading back to her room to change. This was a part of her job that she hated, having to tell her patients of what they needed to talk about. Yes, she was patient with them, but there were times if you waited too long, the nightmares that tormented them would become worse if not treated right away. She just wished she had help like this when she was younger and she wasn’t going to start denying him that help either. Not when he really needed it.

\------

When Jules left, Bucky just stood there for a few minutes thinking about what she said. He kept telling himself that it’ll be like ripping off a band-aid and she’ll be there to help mend him back together like she always did. So to distract himself, he made himself some tea, cut up some fruit in a bowl and sat on the couch to eat. Grateful that he changed into the softest sweater and sweatpants he owned, for his skin felt super sensitive. He took his time eating, drinking his tea, giving himself some time to think and prepare himself for the conversation to come. He did not however look down at his wrists, to see the bruises forming on his flesh and the constricting cuff on his left. He knew they weren’t there, but that didn’t stop the phantom feeling of the cuffs digging into his skin, bruises forming and cutting off the circulation. 

Once finished, Bucky tidied up his kitchen for a few minutes, not like it was dirty or anything, but he felt the need to do something. Anything to keep his mind busy.

“Hey JARVIS?”

“Yes, Mr. Barnes?”

“There’s nothing on my wrists right?” He asked the AI, again he knew that nothing was there, but it didn’t feel like it.

“According to my scans, you have nothing on your wrists. You are unscathed.” He let out a sigh he didn’t know he was holding, somehow feeling lighter than he was.

“Thanks, J.” Before he could psyche himself out, Bucky grabbed his notebook and had JARVIS bring him up to Jules office floor for their next session. 

\------

JARVIS has long told Jules that Bucky was on his way up for the session, but when he never showed up, he again informed her that the soldier was currently standing in front of her office door hesitant. Not wanting to jerk open the door and frighten him, she just decided to call him in. 

“Barnes if you don’t get your old wrinkly ass in here in five seconds I’ll dump glitter on your hair and call you Sparkles!” Not even a second later, the door opens and Bucky’s unamused face.

“I might be old dollface, but a wrinkly ass I don’t got. And don’t even think about dumpin’ glitter on me,” he shudders at the mere thought of it, “it’s like a disease you can’t rid of. It gets everywhere, no thanks.” They both shared a laugh, but obviously, it didn’t last long for the moment grew serious. 

“I would like to talk about the third thing you added to the list of things you wanted to try, the ‘Holding Hands’ one. Can you tell me a little bit more of why that?” Jules spoke calmly and patiently, no forceful tone to her voice.

“Um, well,” his leg began to jump in place as he tried to put his thoughts into words, “I want...I want that  _ trust _ again.”

“What trust Bucky?”

“One that won’t leave marks? Where I don’t know, if I’m shaking hands or holding a book out for someone, they won’t slap a pair of cuffs on my hands and drag me around. Stuff like that.”

“Is that what they did to you? Using that trust against you?” All he could do was nod, nod and run his metal thumb on his wrist where the cuffs would normally be if he wasn’t here. 

“Yeah, Rumlow he’d,” Bucky looked down at his hands before continuing, “he would slap a pair of cuffs on me as soon as I would hand him anything. Drag me to the bed, restrain me so there would be no way of me leaving, then he’d ‘Inspect’. At least that’s what he liked to call it, he’d-fuck!” Jules jerked slightly, not expecting his outburst, but held firm. 

“He’d prepare me for Pierce, getting me nice and ready for the bastard. Taunting me with how there was nothing I could do, that it was going to feel so good. That if I did my part right, they might even fucking feed me afterward. So I want, I want to be able to have that trust back and not freak out like a gazelle.” Out of habit, he began to run his right arm with his left as if he was trying to scratch the skin there. One leg would bounce for a few seconds before it would switch to the other, Jules noticed that he’d also look down to his wrists and check for something. It didn’t take her long that Bucky was checking for bruising and scratches. She didn’t say anything, however, wanting him to keep speaking before he clammed up again. She did nudge over a stress ball (specially made for him) over the table for him to use, as to not cause injury to himself. He grabbed it and used it instantly, looking out her huge windows to her garden as he spoke. 

“They would always make sure that the arm was disengaged when they would restrain me. Not like it would make a difference, I couldn’t use it, but they said that it would teach me that I don’t own myself. That everything I am is their’s and for them to use. I-I do remember one time, I completed a mission, but it...I, I froze, I-I don’t know, but that was my mistake. I froze and it caused Rumlow to get shot. I-I was, I was s-s-severely punished after that. They brought me in, Pierce wasn’t pleased with the report and he spent the rest of the day letting me know. It was bad...Jules, I think I gave up two hours in, becoming their spunk bank whore slut that they wanted to use. I don’t remember much of it, but I do know that I felt it for awhile after that. Once Rumlow was healed completely, he had his own way with me. So, I made sure that I never made a mistake again. No hiccups, no hesitations, just find the target and pull the trigger.”

Bucky didn’t glance over at Jules to see her reaction, for he could see it through the corner of his eye. He didn’t tell her the whole truth, about him not remembering much of it because he did. He remembered  _ all _ of it, just like he remembered  _ all _ of the lives he took. He remembers the faces of the agents, generals, and others as they gathered around him in the room as his arm was removed from his body, a collar latched in place, thus chaining him to the wall. He remembers how many he jerked off, how many cocks he’s had in his mouth, his ass and how much he threw up after they finally left him in his cold cell. Beaten, battered, bruised, covered in dirt, grime and jizz. He could tell Jules that he must have been a good slut because the next day they gave him food, cleaned him up and prepared him for his next mission. Making sure he recalled the events the day prior and what would happen to him if he would mess up again.

It’s why ever since the team found him, brought him in and got him helped, basically ever since he escaped Hydra, he always kept a good hygiene. He hated staying dirty for too long. When he would come back from any mission, he would scrub his skin raw as he cleaned himself before even thinking about the debriefing. When the others asked why he merely told them didn’t want to sit in his sweat for god knows how long while they debriefed. The others seemed to agree, so now they cleaned up and discussed the mission after. Of course, Natasha looked at him while he spoke, knowing he was hiding the real truth. But there was no way he was going to tell her anything, let alone telling the others. 

_ Fuck _ , the others. Jules talked to them today about his list, he knew Steve was pissed but worried. He may not have wanted to go down with her, but that didn’t stop him from asking JARVIS to show him what was going on. After watching all their faces, Bucky couldn’t really decipher what they were all truly thinking. A tiny voice in the back of his head told him they were disgusted with him? That he was the dirt underneath their nails that they couldn’t get rid of, but wanted gone. He must’ve been so deep in his thoughts that he never heard or seen Jules get up from her seat and lean down to kiss his forehead. Out of instinct, he jerked at the touch, but he quickly recognized her perfume and quickly leaned into her gentle touch. Dropping the stress ball to the floor, he quickly grabbed her hand and held it in his. Feeling her give it a comforting squeeze as she hummed a song under her breath. 

Eventually, she did speak, “Thank you for sharing that with me Bucky, I know you’ve been through a lot of tough shit. Stuff I’ve never been through, but you’re here now and that’s never going to happen to you again, not when I’m around.” Not up to talking, he just nodded against her abdomen.

“Have you read The Hobbit yet?” He shook his head no. “Well, guess I’ll just have to fix that.” Giving his hand one last squeeze, she kissed his forehead again before heading over to her bookshelf. 

“We have a few hours before we should join the others, but right now I want you to lay down, get comfy.” Bucky did as Jules asked, watching her as she herself got comfy on her chair, book propped up on her knees. “I want you to focus on my voice and the story, nothing else. Let everything else seep out of you and into the Earth’s core where it can rot in hell for all I care.” He laughed at that, but let his eyes closed as she began to read. He remembers a Hobbit named Bilbo wanting to go on an adventure before his brain shut down as he fell asleep.

\------

For the first time in so long, Bucky woke up groggy, clear-headed and well rested. He noticed Jules wasn’t in the room, but he could hear her somewhere in her office doing something. Sitting up, he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, stretching his arms above his head to wake up fully. Jules came walking in carrying a huge soft comforter, hair up in a high loose bun, glasses on her face, with a bag of chocolate in her hand. 

“Hey, you’re up, how’re you feeling?”

“Good actually, still...still nervous? I guess. I don’t know. I just…” He didn’t want to be nervous though, these were his friends, people he could trust. But now they knew more about the things from his past that he never wanted anyone to know.

“Hey, come back to me big guy,” eyes focused on Jules in front of him, smiling encouragingly at him, “there ya go. Now come on and move your flabby butt before your pizza gets cold.”

“I don’t have a flabby butt, it’s firm and well rounded.” Bucky followed her to the elevator where JARVIS brought them down to the common floor to join the others.

“Uh huh, sure, whatever makes you happy.”

“You’re mean, or maybe you’re just jealous because your ass sags like no other.” Jules mock gasped as the doors opened. 

“My ass does not sag old man.”

He just shrugged, corners of his mouth twitching of a held back smile, “Whatever makes you happy dollface.”

“Fine, your ass is not flabby, but firm and rounded. Truce?” Jules held up her pinky finger to him, eyebrow raised. 

“Truce.” He locked their pinkies together and lead them to a couch that was saved for them. Giving Bucky plenty of enough room to rush out if he needed to. The whole time, the team was silent as they watched Bucky initiate physical contact first. Holding Jules hand on top of their blanket after they sat down, Bucky leaning against the arm of the couch, eyes surveying the room for possible weapons and escape routes. But what shocked the team the most was when he started talking to them without hesitation. 

“Close your damn mouth, Steve, your breath smells like a sewer.” Bucky smiled as Steve closed his mouth and glared at him. 

“Nice to see you jerk.”

“You too punk.”

Eventually, everyone grabbed their food and watched movie after movie. Bucky did try the pineapple pizza, he neither hated it nor disliked it, but he did tell Jules to tell him to never have it again. But the rest of the night was a success, he didn’t have any panic attacks, nightmares or flashbacks throughout the whole time. In fact, he felt safe, secure, at least for now anyway. He knew it wasn’t going to stay long, for he had a long ways to go still. But for now, he’d take this, he’d take this step forward in his recovery. 

For it was possible and he was going to do his damn hardest to get his life back. Just one step at a time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos are Jules forehead kisses  
> Comments are Bucky getting the love he deserves
> 
> Happy St. Patrik's day everyone!


	7. Steve You Idiot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve makes a huge mistake, one that could cost Bucky all his progress and Jules give him a very strict one-on-one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ((***Rape scene***)) Let’s swap the fluff for some angst now, should we? Specifically Steve angst. Well more like Jules lecturing Steve hardcore. I didn’t post this last week because of some serious family health problems, but it just means I get to post 2 today! So look out for another story from me!

* * *

The next few days went by pretty smoothly, it took some getting used to for Bucky being around the others after their movie night. So he wasn’t quite used to just sitting in the common room watching Nat kick Clint's ass in Mario Kart or sit on the couch in Tony’s lab watching as he worked, or just hanging out in general. Jules told him that it was a great step of improvement, him willingly to sit down with the rest of the team members and just observe. What surprised her the most was how they each respected his rules and boundaries, being continuously aware of what would set him off. They weren’t walking on eggshells around him but were careful in how they acted whenever he was in the room without making the atmosphere awkward. 

Of course, there were times when Bucky would just freeze for a few long seconds and leave the room without another word, heading back to his room and wouldn’t come back down until a few hours later. Steve, of course, would follow him and try to convince him to come out or even to talk to him, say something, but Bucky would remain silent. However, Jules would always talk to him softly. Reminding Bucky to do his breathing exercises, look out the window and make a list of what he sees, the colors his eyes link to, describe what the smells would be like. Anything to make his mind focus on a subject so he wouldn’t be sucked into his own mind of terrors. But if it got too bad, she’d remind him to tell JARVIS to use their code word B-JURN if he felt like he was desperate for safety. They haven’t had a need to use it yet, which was a good sign, it meant that he felt safe in his surroundings and he didn’t necessarily feel trapped in any way. Which in turn made everyone else relax back into their normal everyday routines over the next few weeks.

That was until someone slipped up and made a huge mistake.

_ Bucky’s POV _

The past few days have been quite refreshing to be honest, even during the following weeks. I made sure to continue my morning routine that Jules helped me make. Starting off with my list, as usual, writing whatever was in my head, what my dreams were, writing down whatever I felt like I needed to get off my chest. Which helped, because I didn’t really think about it much after I wrote it down. Sure it always managed to somehow creep it’s way back into my subconscious, but not as strong. Jules and I didn’t have another session today, wanting to give me a good break and try and figure out how to keep myself occupied on my own. It took a bit longer than I wanted, not quite sure what I really wanted to do. I wasn’t an artist like Steve, fuck, I didn’t really have any talent with a pencil other than multiple ways to kill someone with it. That was it really, the only things I was good at was killing people, whether with knives or a rifle, pretty much any weapon I was given. I guess I could try and bake cookies or something, but I’d rather just eat food rather than make it.

I didn’t really want to ask Jules what I could do, mainly due to the fact that she believed it was good practice for me to make up my own mind, make my own choices. To get that control back. I did, however, ask JARVIS for some help, so I ended up making a profile - with the AI’s help of course - on Pinterest and started scrolling. Obviously, I caught on quickly and was sucked in so quickly that I spent the next few hours on just this alone. I wanted to do something with my hands, to keep me busy, concentrated and focused. A hobby of some sort that would take time to create, to suck out all the empty time throughout the day. So after some well spent time on Pinterest and a few pointers from JARVIS, I found my new interest. My new hobby so to speak.

And it was called, cross-stitching. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before, I mean it was something I always wanted to learn apparently. From whatever few memories I got back from when I was a child, I recalled my mother always sewing something. But what I remembered the most was when I’d sit on her lap and watch her cross-stitch hours on end. Watching as her intricate and detailed patterns and images came to life. So I asked JARVIS to help me get all the supplies I needed, of course, he got me way more than I needed, but Jules told me it was his way of making sure his Sir’s residents were well-taken care for. So I didn’t say anything about it. And that’s what I ended up doing whenever I hid in my room, wanting to have time to myself or when I couldn’t sleep. But it never lasted too long, for Jules would have JARVIS notify me to eat something. Just like now, Jules sent a reminder that tonight was team dinner and movie and that if I wanted to come to join them, I should. Closing my laptop, I slipped on my favorite soft grey shirt, not bothering to change out of my sweats and headed down to the kitchen.

By the number of voices I heard, it sounded like everyone was in the kitchen all in the midst of chatting and setting up the common room for the movie. While they all seemed to enjoy these kinds of nights, it was still difficult for me. I could always feel Steve’s eyes on me, side glancing at me with worry, forcing himself to sit still. I so desperately wanted to tell him what was wrong, but I can’t because I know just what he’d do. He’ll want to try and fix whatever I’ve been through, to help fix me, but he can’t. There are just some things that can never be fixed.

“Hey Ice Princess, you gonna join us or stand there all night?” Tony said, with a fun tease to his voice, where he was sitting beside Steve a little closer than normal, but he was like that with everyone. 

“Pushy, pushy.” I tease back, taking my spot in the chair they always left for me. I saw Jules walk in carrying two plates of food as I wrapped my favorite blanket around my legs. 

“Hey Bucky, thought you’d get comfy first before realizing you didn’t have food. Clint made pasta and garlic bread.” It looked and smelled amazing as always, considering Clint did make the best pasta and garlic bread out of everyone here.

“Thanks Jules.” I leaned back in the chair and began to eat, not caring if the movie hasn’t started yet. I was hungry and it’s spaghetti, so there was no way I was going to wait. 

“Now that everyone’s here, I guess we can start the movie. J if you please.”

“Of course Sir.”

Jumanji began to play, the others all watching the screen in the midst of eating their food. It was nice, peaceful even. Halfway through the movie, I was still hungry so I got up and made my way back to the kitchen to grab some more of Clint's pasta, possibly some fruit as well. Not even aware of someone getting up to follow me, until they entered the kitchen. 

“Need something Stevie?” asking as I looked in the fridge for some fruit. 

“Hey Buck, can...can we talk?” He sounded hesitant and unsure. A sickening feeling crept up my spine, stomach feeling heavy with insecurity, but I pushed it aside. 

“Sure, what about?” Quickly choosing an apple, I lean against the counter taking a huge bite waiting for Steve to talk. 

“Why we never talk anymore.”

“We’re talking now Stevie, I’m pretty sure this counts,” I said humorously, trying to sound as if I was completely fine.

“I know that Buck, but we don’t  _ talk _ anymore, about anything. Every time I walk into a room you’re in, you tense up and either slink away or make up a lame ass excuse to leave.”

“Language Stevie, wouldn’t want the others to hear your dirty mouth.” He just gave me his ‘seriously?’ eyes, but I ignored them, “And as for the not  _ talking _ thing Steve, it’s because I don’t want to or I just don’t have anything to say.”

He crossed his arms then clearly not convinced, “Yeah and what about you leaving and wanting nothing to do with me?”

I pinched the bridge of my nose, sighing, “Steve you don’t understand and I don’t think you ever will. And it’s not just you, I do that to the others too.”

“Is this about what Jules was talking about when she was meeting with us?” My eyes widened, head snapping to look at Steve. Did she tell them the reason behind the rules? Did she go behind my back and tell them what I was to the bastards who had me all those years? Did she tell them that I was the perfect sex toy? I could feel my heart constrict, eyes stinging with tears, but I refused to let them show. Because I knew Jules would never do that, she promised she would never discuss anything with the others unless I gave her permission. I counted to five and let it out slowly, focusing on breathing, bringing down the small wave of panic. 

“What do you mean? Like the rules or something?” 

“Exactly that Bucky, those rules. Why do you even need them? You’re fine, you’re just probably feeling some effects of having those trigger words removed or something. I just don’t understand why you want to be pulled from active duty and what were you talking about restraints and not liking milk? You love milk Bucky, you were always upset when you no longer had any.” He flinched when the apple in my hand turned to mush in my left hand. Shoulders tense, back rigid, I glared at Steve coldly. 

“The rules are there because I want them there and that’s all you need to know, it has nothing to do with having those words removed. I don’t like the restraints because I just don’t, and as for the milk? Times change Steve, people change, I just don’t care about it anymore alright? So just drop it, please.” Wanting to get air and just away from Steve, I walked out the kitchen and headed back towards the common room, but I didn’t make it that far until Steve grabbed my arm and cornering me to the wall. 

“Why can’t you just tell me? Let me help you Bucky, that’s all I want to do is help you, so why can’t you just let me? We can get through this, together. I’m your best friend.” I knew he was talking to me, but his words were muffled behind a huge dense cloud. He was too close, I was trapped with nowhere to go, he was looming over me, eyes watching mine closely. His grip on my arm felt bruising and it stung. So I did what my instincts told me.

“What the hell, Buck?” Steve staggered back, holding his face where I punched him, but before I could get away he was holding me by my shoulders when I started to breathe faster, “Bucky just breathe alright, breath and tell me why you just hit my face.” I needed to get away and fast, for his touch felt like fire, pins digging into my skin as bruises formed and littered all over my body. 

I tried to move away, but I found myself pushed up against a wall. Fuck, I was trapped, I was trapped again with  _ him. _ He was back, Rumlow was back with his friends. Why couldn’t they just leave me alone? Didn’t they get enough the last time? Why would they, it’s only been a few hours since their last play session. 

***Skip if need be***

I could smell Rumlow’s aftershave and raunchy breath in my face, as he licked up the side of my neck. His free hand pulling my head back by my hair as he lets the man in front of me make his marks into the skin of my chest. There were so many hands, scratching, pulling, pushing, prodding, molding me in every possible way for their own pleasure. It wasn’t long until they had me shoved up against a wall, arms stretched above me, firmly locked in place. One man swallowed me whole, teeth grazing my shaft on the level of painful rather than personal pleasure. Another spat on his palm as he jacked off before sliding in, not even bothering to prep me, it hurt. I could feel my inner walls tear from the intrusion, trickles of warm fluid making its way down my thighs as he pounded in me with vigor. I cried out, but they were quickly muffled when Rumlow clasped my mask on.  _ “Whine like the slutty bitch you are, whine for me sweet cheeks, show me how bad you want it.” _

I struggled in their hold, but their grips held fast as they all took turns. Eventually, they did stop, leaving with giving me some sort of sick praise. Rumlow left last, running his calloused hands down my chest taking my bruised limp member in hand,  _ “ _ This _ belongs to me slut. Do a good job tomorrow and I’ll reward you in my bed.” _ He left soon after, but not before making sure I drank all the milk in the glass he gave me. Rewarding me with hooking my collar to the bed instead of the floor. A cold shiver ran down my spine at the mere thought of having to spend a night with him. Again. 

***End Flashback***

Suddenly I was jerked out of the horrific flashback when the hands on my shoulders tightened as they shook me. Dizzy eyes focused on Steve who was currently trying to get me to answer his questions, but he was too close and I was still trapped. “Stop,” my words falling to deaf ears, “stop, you’re hurting me.”

“Bucky please answer me, what the hell happened back there?” He shoved me lightly again, but to me, it felt like bones snapping. 

“Let me go.”

“Not until you tell me what happened, how can I help you?”

“Let me go.” My hands were shaking, iron coils began to wrap themselves around my lungs, taking all the air with them. 

“Mr. Rogers, I believe he told you to let him go.” JARVIS said.

“What?” Steve looked between the camera and me, confused, “I don’t understand I just want to help.” I tried to twist away from him, but like the stupid punk he was, he didn’t let go.

“Let me go!” So I began to thrash in his hold, using his distraction against him. Kneeing him in the stomach as I got my arms free. 

“Bucky just help me understand!”

A sickening crunch echoed in the hallway as I broke his nose, “You can never understand! Never!”

He tried to reach out to me, but I swerved away, “Don’t touch me! Don’t you ever touch me!”

“What the fuck is going on here!” We turn to see a very pissed off Jules and the others shock faced, at the end of the hallway. Knees giving out on me, I crashed to the floor but quickly scrambled away as they came closer. 

“B-JURN! Hurt! B-JURN! It hurts! B-JURN! He’s hurting me! B-JURN!” I yelled on repeat like a broken record, that was the only thing in my memory that registered as safe. Jules froze on the spot, staring right at me, then at Steve. 

“Run Bucky, run to safety. JARVIS will guide you to safety, go.” I didn’t even bother waiting, just jumped up and booked it towards safety. Trusting JARVIS to keep me safe, safe, safe, safe, I was going to be safe. He couldn't touch me if I was safe. 

_ Jules POV _

I headed to the corridor wondering what was holding up Bucky on the food when I heard someone scream. I run around the corner to see Steve leaning against a wall, holding his broken nose staring at a pale, freaked out Bucky who was desperately trying to breathe.

“What the fuck is going on here!” I shouted, startling both men. The others stood behind me, but they weren’t my main focus. Bucky crashed to the floor and began to scramble away as I stepped closer, screaming at the top of his lungs. 

“B-JURN! Hurt! B-JURN! It hurts! B-JURN! He’s hurting me! B-JURN!” 

I froze at the code word, we  _ never  _ had to use the code word, I looked at Bucky, then at Steve, who flinched. 

“Run Bucky, run to safety. JARVIS will guide you to safety, go.” Like a scared animal, Bucky bolted down the hallway as the AI guided him to the safety of his room. Implementing his safety protocols as soon as he was in his room. Knowing that he was well beyond safe, there was, however, a certain blubbernut who wasn’t. 

“What the fuck was all that about Rogers?!” He flinched again at my raised voice, quietly taking the damp rag from Tony. Who was extra quiet himself, as he stood by the others. 

“I was just trying to help. How was I supposed to know he’d react that way?” Pinching the bridge of my nose, I took a deep breath as a headache began to form. 

“Fuck, I can’t do this right now. Rogers follow Bruce so he can get your nose patched up. Because tomorrow you and I are going to have a meeting and believe me buddy boy, it ain’t gonna be pretty. Now scoot.” Thankfully the stubborn man kept quiet as he followed Bruce down to medical, Tony after them for a few seconds before he made his way towards his penthouse. The others took their leave as well.

_ ‘So much for a positive night’ _ , I hit my head on the wall a few times as I processed what just happened and what the future days would consist of. I stood there and made a mental list of everything Bucky and I talked about, of how far he made progress and it hurt. It hurt because like a snap of a twig we were basically back at square one, and who knows how easy it will be for Bucky to speed his way to where he used to be. 

“Baby steps Jules, baby steps. One step forward, two steps back. Breathe Jules, just breathe, breathe…” I stayed there until I had a clearer head and my anger subsided, for now at least, “JARVIS?”

“Yes Ms. Jules?”

“What’s the status on Bucky?”

“Mr. Barnes is currently in his room, I believe he is curled up in his couch according to my scans.” I felt my heart break as he once told me he would hide under whatever blankets he had to shut out the world. So nobody could ever find him, as if hiding from a vicious nightmare. 

“Health check?”

“He had a panic attack, which I was able to coax him out of just before he passed out of exhaustion. Heart rate and body temperature normal are wavering, brain waves are static, but at safe levels.” Releasing the air I was holding, I headed back to my own floor to get some notes down before I passed out myself. 

“Thank you JARVIS, please keep me updated on everything. Oh and tell Steve he’s an asshole and that our meeting is at nine tomorrow morning.”

“He is informed and I must say he does not seem pleased about it.”

“Oh he won’t when I’m done with him, right well...might as well put on some coffee. It’s gonna be a long night.”

\------

_ Time Skip _

JARVIS informed me that Bucky hasn’t moved from his curled up state since last night, only to finally move when he screamed out in horror earlier this morning. Which resulted in me talking him down through the speakers, reading him more of The Hobbit as he curled in on himself once again, in his favorite blanket on the couch. It happened three more times before he literally passed out from fatigue. Not once making a move towards his bed, making sure to avoid it at ALL costs. Which worried me greatly.

“Steven Grant Rogers what the hell were you thinking?! Do you like to just forgo all rules that are given to you and substitute your own? Literally what the fuck, Rogers?! You damn well knew what he asked of you and everyone else but no! You decided to step in without thinking through it first! You’re just lucky that he didn’t unknowingly hurt himself during his multiple panic attacks this morning, dipshit!” Pinching the bridge of my nose, I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. 

I stared at the blonde man in front of me, not really saying a word. Steve was shifting in his seat uncomfortable under my gaze. His nose was practically healed due to the serum, but his face showed a man who looked lost and hurt. As if he was trying to figure out what he did wrong or even if he did something wrong. 

“Steve, I’m just gonna tell you flat out. You fucked up, you fucked up big time. Not only what you did was incredibly stupid, you made a huge mistake and are now prohibited to have ANY interaction with Bucky until I say otherwise.”

“What?! That’s...that’s not fair!” He exploded in his seat, face furious. 

“Oh I think it’s totally fair, considering you just broke one of his biggest rules and pushed him into a full blown panic attack. Which caused him to have a complete freak out flashback this morning, thus putting him into a catatonic state. So excuse me Mr. Rogers, as his psychiatrist, it’s up to me to make the best choice for him when it comes to this. And right now, for whatever reason, you’re now a trigger. To him, he sees you as a threat and until we get all that ironed out, you will give him the space he needs.” Steve looked like someone punched him in the gut, or worse, a sad golden retriever puppy whose toy was taken away and destroyed. I knew it hurt to tell him that, but he needed to get it drilled into his thick skull. 

“I don’t understand, I didn’t mean to hurt him! I just...I just wanted to help.” 

“I know Steve, I know, but sometimes in order to help them, you need to back off and wait on their terms. They might ask for help or might not, but trying to force them into a corner in order to talk to you just makes it worse.”

He fiddled with his hands, looking even more dejected now then ever, “Is...is he going to be okay?”

I had two choices, I could either sugarcoat the situation like anyone else would do, or I could lay it all out for him without giving anything much away. I wasn’t going to break my promise to Bucky anytime soon. “In all honesty? No, he’ll never be the same, never be 100% back to himself, or fully be the man you once knew. Physically? He’ll be fine in that department, now mentally? That’s a different story, there are just some things that will never ever be erased. They will follow him like a dark cloud waiting for the right moment to suck him back in. And that’s why I’m here to help him fight against it so he can have much of a normal life as he can get. 

And if that involves me putting a version of restraining order on you? Then so be it.” I handed him a folder and explained to him what his punishments were.

“Your rights to entering his floor have been removed, as for what SHIELD has for you? I have no clue and I don’t care, I don’t work for or with them.” 

“This is outrageous! What if he’s hurt and no one can get to him? What if he needs my help? How can you possibly know what he needs? You don’t know him like I do!” Steve was now standing above me, fists at his sides, his icy blue glare on me. However, I didn’t react to his actions, not wanting to inflate his ego. 

“Steven Grant Rogers, let me remind you of who I am. I am James Buchanan Barnes’ therapist, he is my patient, therefore he is my top concern and priority. _ Therefore _ , if he needs help, he lets me know. As for what he needs, I let him tell me what they are on his own terms. As for who he is? He is no longer the man you once knew. He is no longer the same friend you grew up with, fought with, laughed with, lived with. He is a man who is trying to figure out who he needs to be now. He is a man who is fighting for his very life every second of every day, who so desperately wants to know why that the man he once thought was his best friend, is trying to make him into something he can never fully be again. He wants to know why his friend is being forceful, being Captain America, rather than being the kind, soft-spoken man he grew up with. 

“So tell me, ‘Captain America’, have you ever thought that he might not need your help? Do you know what he needs? Do you even know him anymore?” No, you don’t, because sorry to say this Rogers, but it needs to be said, he will never be the same man you knew before his whole life went to shit. So get it through your thick skull, shut down your massive ass ego and superhero complex and focus on the man who is here  _ now _ .

“Focus on the man who  _ he _ is trying to be in this present time. You need to understand that this isn’t the 1900’s anymore, the world has changed,  _ people _ have changed. You need to understand that if you ever want him to tell you anything, you need to let him take the controls rather than ripping them from his own hands. If you want your friend back, the friend at this time not the past, then. You. Need. To. Be. Patient. With. Him. 

“This is not your battle to fight Steve, this is his and his alone. All that we can do is be there, support him, and give him the strength he needs. Reassure him that he’s strong and he will always win. Now,” I relax back into my chair and fold my hands, looking up at Steve who still looked like a bull ready to run through a china shop, “I thought this was a good first meeting. What I want you to do now is think about what we discussed. And when I say think? I mean really think. If you have any questions you know where to find me.” 

Steve, the ever so stubborn man he was, practically stomped towards the door. Shoulders tight with anger. 

“Steve, for what it’s worth, I hope you can one day go back to being the friend he wants and needs. Please don’t ruin any more chances you might have.” 

He left right after, closing the door with a tiny bit of force. I found myself sitting out in my balcony garden an hour later reflecting on the talk that happened prior. Wondering if what I said was too harsh or if something could’ve been left unsaid. Wondering if Steve will actually think about what he just learned and work hard to not lose his best friend.

\-- -- -- -- 

I knew Bucky was safe in every possible way, but that was just here in the tower. The tower didn’t have the means to protect what enemies you fight within your own head. And that is exactly what Bucky was going through or would be going through depending on when I’m able to pull him out of his catatonic state. So hopefully that won’t take long. Looking around my office, I grab the things I would need for the rest of the day and night, knowing that Bucky hated being alone when he knew he was trapped and no way out. Especially when it felt as if he was all alone to fight his demons by himself.

When I reached his door, JARVIS opened the door for me, sending me Bucky’s vitals and other forms on my StarkPad. From what I could see, he still hasn’t moved from the spot on the couch, still curled tightly as ever, bloodshot eyes locked onto an empty spot on the wall. Afraid that something or someone would attack him at any second. Making sure to make enough noise, just in case he knows I’m here, I start a huge pot of water for tea. Taking the time to light some of the aromatherapy candles I brought with me. Returning to the kitchen when the water was done, filling my mug up to the brim of the hot liquid, then making myself comfortable on the lounge chair in front of the couch. So I took my time with filling out important paperwork, responding to emails and reading the bio-scan of Bucky’s arm that Tony sent me. Even though Bucky never said anything, we could tell that his arm was giving him some pain. So Tony and I began to work on an arm he could detach and reattach at will. That way, the heavy arm wouldn’t cause him discomfort 24/7. And if something went wrong with the arm itself, it wouldn’t damage any important nerves since he could just take it off. 

A few hours pass. Not being able to stare at the screen anymore, I put it aside, made myself another mug of tea and curled up on the chair. I decided to read more of The Hobbit out loud to Bucky to see if that would be the ticket in coaxing him back to the present. I had just started the second chapter when I heard tiny whimpers come from the couch. Not wanting to startle him, I sit beside the couch on the floor, so I’m below him. To seem less as a threat. Careful not to touch him, I slowly start back into the world of adventure where I left off in the book.

\-- -- -- --

I was nudged awake from a soft prodding on my shoulder. Blinking, I turn to see Bucky watching me with scared drowsy eyes. 

“Go back to sleep Bucky. You’re safe here. No one can get you. Just sleep, I’ll stay right here.” Even though he closed his eyes, he didn't sleep for a very long time. And no words were spoken when his hand grasped mine as he cried himself to sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think should happen between Steve & Bucky? How do you want the team to find out about Steve x Tony?

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are love  
> Comments are life
> 
> I don't know, I'm feeling a second part to this. Let me know what you think in the comments!


End file.
